REMEMBER,FLATLAKERS-ONLY 119 DAYS TO GO TO YOUR FAVOURITE FESTIVAL!
What?..You...O sorry...
HA HA do you hear me-I was in Hughi'es last night-hic!
IRISH LITERARY RENAISSANCE QUIZ:
If you think you can answer the following literary question can you please call RADIO BUTTY at 1-800-736-YEATS
to claim your prize,a festchrift.
Who wrote these words:'Well let them dream into what shape they please and fill waste mountains with the invisible tumult of the fantastic conscience.'
Was it: 1.William Butler Yeats(Coole,London,Abbey Theatre) or
2.Ron Yeats(Liverpool goalie)
FEMINIST CODEX DISCOVERY WITH THE DISCOVERY OF A MOST EXTRAORDINARY DOCUMENT A
thirty-five year old book bound in vellum and buried in Conkera bog for almost half a decade,Flatlake has been given exclusine permissions to display THE FEMINIST CODEX in THE BUTTY BARN from 3pm-5pm SUNDAY JUNE 5.This is a truly extraordinary opportunity for thos einteresetd in Irish social history,including ast it does a long lost EXEGESIS by PRINCIPIA HEATHERINGTON-O CUNASA in which,it is said,she has written:This whole movement is all a load of skiittery bollocks and I'd throw it all up in the morning for a day as a 'gunman's moll.'
"FECK" ban at Flatlake this year.
Just a short note to establish that an all-round 'Feck' ban is to be instituted from this year on at The Flatlake Festival,and there are to be no exceptions to this rule.The reason
being that aorund the beginning of the nineties with Fr Ted et al young Irish professionals arsing about London started this trend and it has been growing apace
ever since,as a kind of verbal Riverdance cum Minogue's Pub-type of self-conscious stage Irishry('It's cool to be Oirish in London,now hi!) and we are heartily sick of it.What was ever wrong with proper cursing?
So,let us be under no illusion,if you are overheard either by myself or any other adjutant on my 'Feck-Monitoring' team,regrettably you will have to be
quietly requested to leave the field.Leave it open,.that is,to people who can curse properly.Now eff off and don't come back,feckers.
RESULTS OF FLATLAKE MONAGHAN MUSICAL INNOVATION COMPETITION
A big hearty Flatlake thanks to you all,we have reveived THOUSANDS of entries fro this slot.But I happy to say that aftre much debate and long nights arguing the results are finally in
and that the verdict ot the 'Monaghan Musical Innovation' jury has been unanimous.So,congratulations,Tom Pudd and The Boombeats-your suggestion that the legendary JIMI HENDRIX single
"HEY JOE" be re-recorded for local consumpiton as the more accessible "JOE HI" has been accepted.Well done,band!See you at the 'Lake!
CALLING ALL TYPEWRITERS ! WILL GUESTS PLEASE BRING ANY OLD TYPEWRITERS YOU HAVE IN THE ATTIC TO THE FESTIVAL .... WE'LL MAKE GOOD USE OF THEM !
OEDIPUS NOT COMING
Sadly,The King Of Thebes will not be 'about' Scotshouse come June 3 as he has to go tothe shop for his mother.
CLONES AND SCOTSHOUSE 'theatre' VOX POP
Ahead of the festival our roving team carried out a series of impromptu interviews with various people through the district compiling their views on the steta of theatre and plays in general.Here are
a few of the responses:
' My favourite bits in plays would be the lines'
Tommy(no surname given)
'For me it's always the action'
Niamh Plenitude.
'Plays?I would give them 100%'
Corks Mc Geeney
'There is a theatre in Monaghan but I was never in it.'
Plug Henry
'I hope it pishes on Flatlake.'
The Curmudgeon Mc Quidlet
'Hamlet-that's a good one.'
Maureen Tids.
RE:'RUBBER BANDITS RUMOURS'
What a pity that,after all the talk speculation and what-have-you,that the celebrated 'Fitzy Has A Mitsubishi' RUBBER BANDITS will not be coming to the flatlake festival after all.I personally had been so looking forward to seeing them do the...DDDDRNNNG!DRRRRRNG!....wait a minute...**!@gasp!***!-....who could that be?.....Hello it's who?...manager of the who...The Rubber Bandits?...hold on hold on please...yes yes!
FLATLAKE LATE CANCELLATIONS!!!
Regrettably,we have just received a TWITTUX from Korkapt Media Communications,to the effect that,die to unforeseen circumstances neither EAMON DYLAN or BUTTSY KRISTOFFERSON will be in
a position to fulfil their Flatlake commitments on June 3/4.They unreservedly apolgise to their many fans,who no doubt wil be very disappointed.(Both men are,of course,brothers to 'His Bobness',and 'Kris',respectively.)
The Flatlake Office.
CAPTAIN BUTTY'S AMERICAN DIARY
Yes,fans,and Flatlakers of every stripe,as i am sure you all know by now,C.Butty has been to the United States,holding up the International arm,I suppose you might say,of the celebrated Flatlake literary and arts festival.
And now,here on this very page.in the grand tradition of James Thurber,Damon Runyon and others,he includes the first instalment of "Captain Butty's American Diary."
JAN 1O;
Arrive at Chicago's fabulous Radisson Hyatt Hotel,and pop to the 'Coconut Saloon Bar" to await spouse.Note that 'Manhattans' are on the menu.
Decide to partake of one or two.Thus:'Excuse me my good man."
MAY 15:
And so the big day has arrived at last and yes it's that time again-time to return to the old sod.'Time to go home!",my spouse sighs appreciatvely-giving me a rather hostile look.As she cries"'The coach is here!"As,somewhat sheepishly,I make my way across the 'car lot'-fiddling somewhat sheepishly with my fingers.'Get in!.she instructs and my repect for the ideology of 'feminism' precludes me for making any form of rejoinder,certainly making no defence of my fondness for a certain cocktail.'American journey!',she snarls with hooded eyes,'I've a good mind to kick you all the way to Manhattan!'
Which is a good laugh,the way she put it -isn't it?More about The Captain's 'American Journey' next year,if he goes.Cheers!
The scenes of grief which were witnessed last evening in our local licensed premises when Kevin Allen,the organiser of the workd-famous FLATLAKE literary festival,read out a message of condolence to the friends and relatives of Remington Inc.,whose little baby passed away literally only days ago.The festival poet laureate Mattsy Gann,winner of numerous competitions over the years,most notably in The Impartial Standard for his epic work 'Bushes',was visibly seen to weep and mutter incosolably to himself:'As Truman Capote said of Jack Kerouac's On the Road-that's not writing,it's typewriting!'
On being mollified somewhat by his associate and literary confidante,Henry Buck of Gasson Terrace,Trib,Mattsy choked:'But will he ever be able to pass such a comment again?Nay!Because our noble friend,the typewriter is dead!Kaput!O Dies,o mores,God's curse this road for all wayfaring strangers!'
It was late when we vacated the premises,clinging hungrily to each othervas we negotiated the laneways and hedgerows of North Monaghan,chanting T.S. Eliot,chapter and verse,as Henry and Buds Quiglet beat out a passionate rhythm on a bucket with some sticks.
And it is in recognition of this sad demise,yes that of the humble typewriter,dear friends of Flatlake,that we invite you to join us on Saturday June 4,to witness The Flatlake Clicketty Clacketty Trrrr Ching Symphony,one in which we hope all our maginifcent Flatlake writers will take part.In fact we hope they pound those keys with the same fervour that gave us the thumb-busting masterpieces of yore,and maybe even smoke fags like reporters while they are doing it.Or maybe not.But bash those typewriter keys they will.And who are they?Well if you have toask that then you haven't been keeping up to date with the Flatlake festival website-www.theflatlakefestival.com-yes,right there on that cuckoo computer which kicked old 'Typie' into the bosom of wretched oblivion.
Omg,as the young ladies of modern times have been known to observe,I simply cannot wait for the clacketties.But only that-I simply can't wait to hear these writers read.I've been tearing my hair out wondering which is going to be the best.Which of course is an entirely rendunant activity because like typewriters everyone always has their own persona favourite.So whether its the Joycean genius of JOHN BANVILLE,the erudition and scholarship and wisdom of ULICK O CONNOR and ANTHONY CRONIN,the scabrous passions of JOE QUEENAN,the scintillating prose of ANNE HAVERTY and CHRISTINE DWYER HICKEY,the scholarship and incisiveness of ROSITA SWEETMAN,the lyricism of CLAIRE KILROY,PETER MURPHY,TED MC CARTHY,or...and here's where we say goodbye to old Typie proper,with two of Ireland's finest wordsmiths from the smileyface generation yes *&*%@*((&^%$ y &&$ PAUL MURRAY(SKIPPY DIES)and KEVIN BARRY(CITY OF BOHANE)along with o by the living God,ROBERT FISK who needs no introduction,BOB QUINN,a world-class figure from the worlds of cinema and TV,TOM C INTYRE and MICHAEL HARDING,that brace of CAVAN GIANTS,and so many other geniuses that I'm afraid to write their names in case my Mac goes -@£%BANG**!-just like the dear old Remington did this week.Did youse not hear the news?The last factory closed down in India.And it won't be-like the typewriter carriages of old,any time soon be going 'ching!' and coming back.
I can't go on-my heart truly is bruk.Removal will be from The Butty Barn to the main field at 6.00 pm on Saturday June 4,immediately after the conclusion of the Rocketty Racketty Symphony Ching with all of our favourite writers sitting on chairs and looking suitably 'tormented' and pensive.'Ankle deep in a pile of fag butts.
We hope to see you all there.
The Flatlake Mourners.
film script award note:
For those entering our original filmscript award(1st prize cheque 100 euro and a creamery can)we would prevail upon you to study the terms of the entry form carefully.
A submission under the title NORTH RIDING has only just been brought to my attention-what we had in mind was a BBC style serial with cobblestones,bonnets
and JUDI DENCH-type acresses pursing their lips and fidgeting outside cakeshops-scenarios in which sentences such as this would clearly have no place.'We piled into the Anglia and hared out by Clontibret to get ourselves a dandy wee filly from Armagh.'
As we have received an enormous amount of submissions we really have no choice but to insist upon this.Many thanks for your forebearance,budding screenwriters,and good luck with your RIDING.
STOP PRESS!
WARD BOND,RED BUTTONS,RIP TORN for festiv... o sorry,my mistake-that was 1958!Jeekers,do you hear me!
JEALOUSY GETS THE BETTER OF RIVAL LITERARY FESTIVAL-read on......
Yes,just because we have JOHN BANVILLE,PAUL MURRAY.KEVIN BARRY,ROSITA SWEETMAN,CHRISTINE DWYER HICKEY,ANTHONY CRONIN,ULICK O CONNOR and a host other luminaries,it has apparently proved too much to bear for our rivals-sadly.This is,regrettably,what has come to pass-especially when they heard that PETER MURPHY CLAIRE KILROY and FUDLETS SNORK have committed just this very minute(Last guest made up for joke purposes ha ha,isn't it)
BORIS-IN-KEEVE LITERARY FESTIVAL RESPONSE:
The following letter was received at The Flatlake Production Office this morning.I think,as you will see,that it speaks for itself.
"We here at the Junior Chamber Rotarian Debating & Gun Club Branch Of The Above festival would like to make known our bemused feelings as regards what we perceive to be,as Dr T.P Mudguard of our own
festival has described as 'Monaghan hubris'. 'Do they',and here I quote the venerable physician,amateur painter,general literary man and winner of many quizzes,'do they have deckchairs and goody bags,not just deckchairs indeed
but deckchairs with RAYMOND CHANDLER on them and DH LAWRENCE?Do they have 'Yurts' with the name of JP Sartre thereon?' I think you will find that the answer is 'no.' What they do have,
however,is an abundance of John Deere tractors and pop orchestras calliing themselves CALFSHED.Regarding which,I think,enough said.But now I must go,as there is a Hampstead Adultery Novel Conference on in the Yurt.
Tottybye,sad Flatlakers!What a pity you can't be with us at a REAL literary festival-00000H listen to that Bela Bartok!"
ELVIS NEWS
Apologies to all those loyal fans who were looking forward to coming to Flatlake to see our,admittedly,much-heralded ELVIS LOOKALIKE,complete with Vegas jumpsuit and garlanded with an absurd conucopia of bulbs,performing the much-loved knee trembler routine and curling his lip while chanting melancholically as regards the plight of deprived sections of the Chicagoan community and other socio economic unfortunates -as well as including other old favourites such as 'Tedyy Bear','Good Luck Charm' and 'U.S. Male'
And the responsibility for this oversight or 'f**k up' as our Elvis co-ordinator understandably put it lies squarely at the door of one Tidlets Cornagha who,after announcing that he was now the Flatlake Festival's exclusive 'events and props man' actually gave me that 'look' for which he is famous.As he croaked:'I taught it was Cliff Richard you said.'
ORIENTAL SOLIDARITY COALITION RESPOND TO FLATLAKE 'DALAI LAMA' "HUMPING CRATES ACROSS THE CAR PARK" CONTROVERSY.
"Yes of course it funny down pub what you call Muttsy Toots making say laugh about my face which is "round and enchanting" and where come from Nam Kok full of local colour and is fine not mind but when you take it far and say about Dalai Lama even if he not from my country still all kind of insult then the bear has truly crossed the bridge to water.Therefore sad I will NOT be coming to your festival of literary tractor and word Mr Allen and Cabe so please send no more letter your sincerely
Suzie Wong,Kowloon.
(I still cannot believe you write 'Dalai Lama wouldn't know a good day's work if it killed him.Also so sad:'Best road out of India is one which lead Mongolia.)
DEFENESTRATION OF VISITING JOURNALIST
Wild scenes of hilarity ensued in Muttsy Toots' Licensed Premises when a visiting journalist from the Chicago Burst attempted to 'wring' a comment(his own words)
from Flatlake poet laureate in residence Hoof Gurk as regards some kind of actual Flatlake 'mission statement' and a definitive elucidation of what 'exactly if anything' it had to with 'art,writing or anything else.' Before throwing him out the window,Hoof had this to say:
'Gentlemen journalists in my view are of minor concern to Flatlake and its friends.Since the eighteenth century the model for them has been the prose of Addison.
That is to say,on grave subjects formal,on light occasions not grovelling.Pure without scrupulosity and exact without apparent elaboration.It is always equable and always easy without glowing words or pointed sentencces.Prose that is to say in which the author never deviates from his track to snatch a grace;he seeks no ambitious ornaments and tries no hazardous innovations.Which is why PAUL MURRAY and KEVIN BARRY are at this festival and you,like the lug who wrote that and whose page never blazes with unexpected splendour are going out the nearest window,my friend!'
And with that there was a very loud crash.You can imagine the embarrassment of us-as festival organisers!Honestly,Hoof!
BAND OF BROTHERS CUTBACK-BUSTER IDEA
BACK in the early days when people said 'youse haven't a hope with this festival' and 'it's going to pish out of the heavens on youse' myself and kevin allen,distressed
by the parlous state of the festival finances,out our heads together and came up with this idea-'Why don't we ask the brothers of famous music people to come and play some tunes?
They wouldn't cost so much!'
So now,finally,and ironically in healthier financial circumstances we have now added the following to the bill 1.EAMON DYLAN 2.SOL COHEN 3.MARTY YOUNG and
astonishingly JONI'S brother PATSY MITCHELL.So it's going to be one cracking hit of a festival not only musivally but also literary wise as well as NUDIE YEATS has agreed also to come,that's short for Eugene
(We are also at an advanced stage of negotiations with FODA PRODUCTIONS,CAT STEVEN'S people,with a view to flying over his younger sibling DOG,who hasn't had any notable hits
but is still good,or so a fellow I met in The Step Down Inn told me-he seen him in England in the sixties,supporting VAN DER GRAAF GENERATOR at a festival someplace.
DOLPH LUNGREN unable to make it!
In spite of doing his utmost to reschedule appointments,family commitments et al,the 'Exterminator' star has had to decline our offer of 'top billing.' So neither he nor his FLAME THROWER will be appearing.Ah well.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CITY OF BOHANE misunderstanding:the office has received a written complaint from a
'Mr Ginty'(hit name) of Cornaminsha,Aghadoey P.0.,who claims that he has been misrepresented in fab FLATLAKE AUTHOR KEVIN BARRY'S magnificent new book,adding that is of no interest to him or other members of his 'team'
whether Mr Barry is a 'sublime exponent of retro future Vonnegut-carnie argot' as The Longford Argosy Journal described him..Adding that if he is not 'took out' of the book that Mr Barry might very well himself be the party to be 'tuck out'.
LATEST FLATLAKE NEWS:SPECIAL DISCOUNT FOR PROTESTANTS IN GREEN TWEED FISHING HATS!
JUST PRESENT YOUR 'thinking' HAT AT THE PRODUCTION OFFICE AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!
________________________________________________________________________
100 Wines for the Discerning Literary Drinker:Including Cabinet 66,Flue 45 and Mons De Vernay 10.Other
beverages of interest may include old-style cans of Harp,Phoenix the bright beer and Double Diamond which works wonders.
REGRETTABLY,however,on the same subject,
still no developments in the 'missing cans' case which so deleteriously affected the communal good cheer and fun of last year's fest.When 2 tins of Harp which had been secreted under a hedge by a loyal patron of Flatlake
were purloined and never returned.
Probably by a 'rowdy' northerner,as cries of 'Free State b***'s were definitely heard at the time of the incident.Sadly yes,there's always one.At this year's festival also will be Hubert De Vai-Montaigne,who not be 'lifting' cans as
he is a wine conisseur from Pont L'Eveque where years ago some rye grew on bread and made locals think that the Monsignor had 'horns.'
JUST IN-FINAL SHORTLIST FOR THE FLATLAKE LITERARY PRIZE $$$$$$$$$ to be won.Here it is,folks!
1.ELBOWS OF DOOM by N.Tubbard(Headluck)
2.TAKE THIS,MY HAIRPIECE by Esther Plugg(Arkvin)
3.ANKLES IN THE DUST by Richard Tiplitt Meelavin(Spupp)
4.'% ' by Waldemar Sizmak(Clugginvolde Verlag)
5.ONLY CHICKENS WEEP by Mary Innbuds(Blingtop)
6.VIRGINIA HATES PEAS by Caroline Munch(Wads)
DARK HORSE:'THE WHIN BUSH CONUNDRUM' by Rusty Norbert(Five Square)
and bubbling under 'THE MONSIGNOR DIDN'T HAVE HORNS',(Via Dolorosa Press,Glasgow)
Discount For Protestants In Green Tweed/Writing/Fishing Hats misunderstanding
On foot of some embarrassing communications-e-mails,letters and so forth-we would like to point out that the above offer highlighted earlier on this website was a JOKE,Flatlakers-yes just a little harmless levity on our part.
So,please,do not ring the office offering to 'pop by' and produce said item in Harris or other tweed materials,thereby securing your discount for Ireland's best literary and tractor festival.
Thanks Lakers-see you on June 3!
Peregrine Axis-Buncake(Co-Ordinate)
LOST AND FOUND
Has anyone happened to come across 'a secret heart?'-like the aforementioned twin cans of Harp,it was mislaid at the festival and is the property of Nudie Mary Monkey of Flahavan,Twiglet.If anyone happens to come acvross it could they please hand it in to the production office.Many thanks-The Flatlake Team.
JUST ADDED TO THE FLATLAKE MOBILE CINEMA SLATE:"THE 4 AND A HALF FACES OF DR.LEO"
starring BUNTY GROGAN and TIDLETS O' CORNAGHA.
ALE NEWS
ALE JOESON agrees to come to festival!In a sensational development,the result of countless weeks of 'secret talks,the Broadway star Ale Joeson,singer of 'Sunny Bye','Swoony' and 'Mom' has agreed to make an appearance at the flatlake.The only Jewish entertainer ever to put on shoe polish to wow the punters will be flying in from Swoony by helipcopter.This is really something considering that none other than G.Formby,of 'Mr Wu's A Window Cleaner Now' has described Joeson as his 'number one entertainment model.'
(Not to be confuswd with Al Jolson,who of course has been dead now many years.removal to aghdrumsee Churc-no sorry,that's a mistake.)So get your tickets now for Al!And on with the Nugget!Ha ha-joke!
FRANCO NERO 'disses' TRAILBLAZING MONAGHAN FESTIVAL
I will let his response speak for itself.Here it is,in its entirety-the witheringly pejorative demolition of Co.Monaghan's much-loved festival.Yes,and it is with bitter disappointment I include it here at all,these are he words of Franco Nero
star of such bullet-riddled classics as 'Django','Django's Last Ride' and 'There Goes Django'
"If you think I have nothing better to do than drag a wooden coffin with a gatling gun in it first from Dublin airport and then onto Castleblyney,out to Clontibret and then up the back road to Ballybay to see a few local so-callled 'musicians' and poets
blathering about jackdaws,then mes hombres you have tweenies in your head instead of brains'.Loco,ha ha!
"Like,totally,I don't think so!"
(Regrettably),Anais Nin's response to an invitation from the Flatlake Festival office to read 'a wheen of her diaries" in The Butty Barn,April '11.
'I was looking for my wallet'-Hughie Stocious's response when apprehended in Westrminster attempting to dig up the writer Virginia Woolf,on foot of the disappointing response,above.
FIRST WITH THE MULTICULTURAL NEWS!
In keeping with its multicultural policy,which has been an ethical cornerstone of the festival from the outset,FLATLAKE is proud to announce that TUBBY PENFOLD and SUZIE WONG(Shanghai)will be staying at Hilton as our guests.This is a further move in the galloping cosmopolitanism of the EMERALD ISLE,FORMERLY KNOWN AS EIRE )NOW THE PROPERTY OF THE ECB,and another nail in the coffin of those who would see us as carrot-munching freckle faced potato heads in wellies,given to 'battering' policemen and hurling dustbins up and down streets.TUBBY,who is a minor official at the consulate in Hong Kong,is reprtedly 'delighted' by the invitation,as is Suzie(THE WORLD OF SUZIE WONG)so here's hoping that certain heretofore unpredictable parties will elect to behave themselves on June 3,and resist any temptation there might be to either ''kick Tubb's nuts into his neck' or,even worse 'get off' with the beautiful Suzy.No,I think,now that we are in our 5th year that Hughie Stocius,Pads Hogan(writer in green tween hat)will acquit themselves memorably.the Flatlake festival has too much to lose,as indeed,has our glorious little country which has Riverdance Westlife and Nudie Mary Monkey to be proud of.Yes,that same Mary who has just been shortlisted to the 'Ladies Best Fiction Award Of All-Time' for her novel 'Did Anyone See My Secret Heart?'
More 'multicultural' Flatlkake news as it develops.
OFFICIAL STATEMENT:Kevin Allen,Patrick Mc Cabe.
Re:DALAI LAMA FLATLAKE spat.
It is with the greatest reluctance that we enter into this unfortunate debate at all,but such is the tendency in the modern world of media and what have you that what started out as an 'innocent misunderstanding' has now snowballed to such an extent that we feel we have no option,with the latest being that the international news syndicate REUTERS has just contacted the office inquiring as to the nature of the festival's antipathy towwards this 'man of peace.' We would-UNEQUIVOCALLY-like to make it clear that THE DALAI LAMA is more than welcome to come to Flatlake on June 3-5 to enjoy some roast pork,the music of Frankie Dean and others including JINX LENNON and that any comments which may have been made either by HUGHIE STOCIUS or HOOF GURK,both longstanding associates of the festival-we understand 'Fit him better he'd do a few odd jobs himself such as redding up calf sheds maybe or something' may have been among the more derisory remarks- were made entirely outside of the remit of the WORLD-FAMOUS FLATLAKE FESTIVAL.Sorry,D.L!(Dalai Lama)-o and Hughie and Hoof,see you in the trailer after the fest.This is not good,not good at all.
NEWS ITEM:H.Stocious 'India Attack'.
Hughie Stocius,local proprietor of The Step Down Inn Licensed Premises,has issued what is described as 'the strongest possible' denial that he recently launched an 'attack on the Indian subcontinent',in which he is reported to have stated that the only thing 'good that ever came out of it is the road to Mongolia'.This is a heinous calumny,the respected publican went to say,adding that 'In fact it was TibetI was talking about,mainly its representative The Dalai Lama,who thinks it's fine to sit around in caves all staring at mosquitoes' backsides and wondering where thy came from and who might have made them,and if that's not bad enough then coming over to our wee country for two whole days at taxpayers expense telling people that what they ought to do is get out and work.Well when does he ever work,arsing about half the day reading auld books that isn't made of proper paper?Let the D.L,as I call him,hear this:come on down to my select bar and I'll soon show you whjat proper work is.For I'll have you humping crates across the car park until you'll not be fit to walk,never mind annoy the people with auld stupid proverbs-'He who puts his hand in the fire will surely get it burnted'.How much did he get paid for making that up?A good day's work work would kill him,says Hughie.Sorry,India,and all our Cobra-quaffing pals out there on the sub-continent!
NOTE OF THANKS
Hoof Gurk,writer-in-residence with The Flatlake Literary & Arts Festival,would like to thank his agent,Spenser 'The Wolf' T.Chapman,for his continued support throughout the years and of course all his dedicated fans-for whom,'in the end' as he says,the 'work' is done.However,for those who neglected to buy a c opy of his latest 'The Elegance Of Springers' he has only this to say:"Youse are all a shower of mealy-mouthed skinflint sh**teha**ks and I hope youse all go to ** * hell,ok?'
MICHAEL J.POLLARD
...... FLATLAKE SNUB....
Yes,Flatlakers,galling as it is,the celebrated star of
BROOKS in which he crossed the Alps by elephant has given the flatlakle festival a resounding 'no!' In fact what he said was:'What?Come over to bankrupt old Eire to listen to pomes and watch kids getting covered in mud?Like,totally,I don't think so!',the former star said on the phone from L.A
Pity.But there you go,that's showbiz I guess.Next up for consideration is Russell Hunter who plays Lonely in CALLAN and hopefully he won't be so stand-offish,or maybe CHARLES HAWTREY if we can get him.
Ah hello there lads,'Cap' here with some of the heavy duty literary names for 2011-CHRISTINE DWYER HICKEY/JOE QUEENAN/ANTHONY CRONIN/PAUL MURRAY/ULICK O CONNOR/JOHN BANVILLE/KEVIN BARRY/ANNE HAVERTY/GEORGE O BRIEN/CLAIRE KILROY/TED MC CARTHY/BOB QUINN/LEILA DOOLAN/PETER MURPHY/ROSITA SWEETMAN/TOM MC INTYRE/MORAG PRUNTY/MICHAEL HARDING/LOUIS DE PAOR/GINA MOXLEY/PETER TRANT/DAVID MONAGAN.
There can be n
What a bags!
DID YOUSE READ SKIPPY DIES YET?What you didn't?Then youse are DEAD yourselves!The Captain says its the best novel to come out of this country in 20 years!Good man PAUL MURRAY-doughnuts all round!WE'll HAVE THE LIFE OF RILEY!O AND COME TO THINK OF IT-AND ALL HIS OTHER BOOKS!Well get cracking and read them!kevin barry is gonna be iighting up THE BUTTY BARN come June!O and BENJAMIN BANVILLE will be reading THE LONELINESS OF LEGS!No he won't-he'll be reading from his new novel!The question is-where does he get the time to write all these books?Not that we're complaining-as a matter of fact we would give him a prize if we had a goldsmith and an engraver handy which we haven't.But we will give him an apperciative audience and shout ';Good man John!' swhen he turns the pages.
Also considering is THE
F.Flintstone for a laugh-he isn[t coming because he's a cartoon as i am sure you knew more details coming soon but perhaps the funniest WRITER in Ireland except nobody seems to say it much and indeed big prize man is:
JOHN BANVILLE
yes-he's coming gang!
And so is HORSEBOX DOOLIN-a phonetic recluse poet from Ture-no he's not.He doesn't exist.Here is some junk left over from last year all about CHICK LIT and WEEMENS' BOOKS.i HOPE THAT'S NOT SEXIST now me saying that-no I don't think so,I think the days when 'womens' lib' would kick you stupid behind a whin bush for saying things like that are over.We've 'moved on',haven't we-o and by the way whoever stole my cans of Harp at last years Flatlake-whether woman or man-would you lease leave them into the production office and there will be no questions asked.Man or woman,ok?Thanks,thieves!
BOOKER PRIZE LONGLIST-
And so the annual Booker Prize longlist has once more been announced,and once again-predictably!-we find not a mention of Flatlake's favourite writer.Not so much as a mention of THE HAUNTED SLACKS OF NUDIE MARY MONKEY by the incomparable DODIE HATPIN,legendary author of LUCY MURRAY EATS A TRACTOR and MY COMPLAN HUSBAND.This,in our view,is nothing short of a travesty as our reviewer back in Februarygave 'Slacks' a whopping twenty seven stars!!!!Sheesh-what a pathetic pantomime the literary world has become-ignoring writers of this calibre from a country where poetry and literature rain (sic) supreme.I'm off to beat up a cow.
The Captain(adorned by his greenish tweed 'literary' hat)
CREATIVE WRITING SEMINARY
Yes you did read it right-there is a 'y' on the end of it,so it's not SEMINAR.What it refers to are recent moves by a prizewinning group of IRISH WRITERS who have got together,following on from recent speeches made by some of their number,to fund with the proceeds of some of their prizes,a fabulous new MODERN-TYPE seminary in which the words 'blessed' and 'grateful' and 'glorious' will be de rigueur.As will the wearing of collarless shirts and soft dark suits in serge while they whisper about the place thinking deep thoughts,just like Father Deacon and Bishop Snodgrass before them.What a tunrup up for the books-no more the Guinness-splashed auld baggy frieze-we have come of age.Look at our long Palmolive-scrubbed fingers,honed by long hours at the PC as we forge our great careers.What geniuses we are to keep Waterstones so happy.But hang on-I've to go off and write some more about 'this blesssed little republic'-and pick up my soft no-collar suit from the cleaners.More from the whipsering Lyceum as it develops.
RADIO BUTTY thought for the day:
Let this be known and disseminated widely:Captain Butty,Kevin 'Mr Saucy' Allen and Flatlake are SWORN ENEMIES of JIGGERTY HOPPERTY new iRISH paddies who nearly choke when they say 'feck' and insist on spelling crack 'craic'-it was you bastards who started all this ersatz stage Irishry-and we're coming for youse.Yes,I did say 'youse.'If I were you,I'd remove my branded t-shirt,start walking fast and lock yourself in a darkened room with endless streams of DRAGONS' DEN playing,as you look back fondly on your teenage years,in that golden time of BOYZONE and WESTLIFE,in the days when IRELAND INC. was born,and the
NEWSFLASH!
Just arrived in(on the Ballybay bus)-Criggs Norton of Cornabona(35),to buy some shopping.
END OF NEWSFLASH,
BREAKING INFO:!
Electric haired Notting Hillybilly
MICHAEL J.POLLARD
In a short press statement just released,the Hollywood star of '
DAULD ONES WAS THE BESHT
Ah but sure they were great-hanging round there pouting like an auld jug outside Creation records maybe going into Sinnotts blaahing about JOE STRUMMER in your auld PIPESTEM TARTAN TROUSERS,running off a few hundred copies of your FANZINE Zig,is that what it was called,no- SICK,and then off to get smashed and flail about like a LOONEY,spitting at people and RUNNING DOWN THE GOVERNMENT and the whole bit and what you were going to do such curses!But now you're a teacher and all baldy and your children love
JUMPENAIRES(1958)
Another Flatlake first:THE JUMPENAIRES ORCHESTRA(1958)have agreed to play this coming weekend and will be showcasing their hot off-the-presses new single,entitled I MET MY MAGEHRAVEELY MRS ON THE MOON b/w DONKEYS.
It's reputed to be their best yet-even better than THISTLES FOR CHRISTMAS!
BUMPY LAKE FESTIVAL URGENT NEWS BULLETIN!
Reports are filtering in that,in a dire and frankly pathetic attempt at upstaging the Flatlake,the rival 'Bumpy' Lake festival,Corraboney,has been caught in the act of actually DIGGING up AL JOLSON!I know-it's vile.Beneath contempt-we all feel that.Had even a press statement drafted for The Mountnugent Herald by all accounts,which has been found,Samizdat-style,in a HP sauce bottle behind Mort Hooley's Bush.It reads:'Ha ha Flatlake-where's your famous Lily Allen now!She's stupid-even her SKIRT is all chopped up like some auld hedge you'd see that's been looked after by some maniac not long out of the hostible!(Psycleatric,that is.)Boy when our man AL JOLSON gets up on that stage-zombie/skeleton or no,is that ALLEN fellow going to have MIXED FRUIT jam all over his face!'
OFFICIAL PRESS STATEMENT
Nosey Curdle and wife to separate
After over 2 years together,childrens's writer and TV personality Nosey Curdle and his wife Gimlet are to separate.Asking the press to respect their privacy,Gimlet Curdle (now O Nudlasaithe)explained how she and Curdle had grown apart in recent years,citing his 'card-playing' associates as 'undoubtedly a factor' in this sad development.Pressed for a comment,Nosey acknowledged that 'womens' lib' and the 'changing times' may have influenced their decision.Mr Curdle is currently on a promotion tour with his childrens' book The Fantastic Ears Of Skippers Hennessy The Centipede From Coote and Ms O Nudlasaithe is due to begin recording a new series of 'Ireland's 35 Best Balloon Folders In Irish' over the coming weeks.
Copyright Reuters,Drum.
***********************
Imagine my surprise when,on my return from a visit to the city only last evening-I had been on some important business regarding Flatake-who did I see emerging in the dusk from Hughie Stocious's licensed premises('The Cup That Cheers')only what I took to be the celebrated film-star from the late nineteen-fifties The Creature From The Black Lagoon!
What a laugh we all had when it turned out,later on,that the so-called 'film star' was none other than the bold Hughie Stocius himself-oh now!
QUIZTIME
A MEGA and very TRICKY quiz...compiled by 'The Captain.'
1.What Christian name did Diana Ross give her daughter?
2.Who is the hairiest bollocks ever to stand in front of a microphone?
RADIO BUTTY..........................broadcasting on 99.5 FM
EXTRACT FROM OUR GIRLYBOOK SHORTLIST:I'll Follow My Secret Heart by Dodie Hairpin.
How the story begins:-
All the time she went about her duties in the great London hospital of St Park's,and studied hard for the final exam that would make her a fully qualified nurse,Bridget Moran was haunted by the unbelievable thing that had happened to her.How could the deadly Black Mamba snake,of all things,gotten into her bed in The Nurses' Home?
Now read on......
AMAZING 'BUTTY' FACTS
Did you know a tree can kill itself?If its roots become tangled around the stem of another tree beneath the surface of the ground the supply sap,which is the tree's food,is cut off and dies.Another potential danger for trees is a certain H.Stocius,propietor of a local hostelry,who has been known to relieve himself of what he,rather uncouthly,has been known to describe as 'a great big hooring pish!' up against it,while pondering the cosmological immensities.Another hazard is provided by ten-ton trucks which sometimes come by,but have been know to misjudge what is known as 'The Turn Of Death' and plough right into the 'odd auld sapling'-making shite of it,in fact.
BEST BOOK IN 2000 YEARS AWARD
News just in that a writer not very well known to us here at the Information Caravan,Orbey Hooping-Cough,has apparently just BEATEN off all opposition-including the likes of SEAMUS HEANEY,ANNE ENRIGHT,JOHN MC GAHERN and NOELEEN POP,to scoop the IRISH BOOK OF THE LAST TWO THOUSAND YEARS PRIZE,sponsored by MEGAMIX,CORBOY.ORBEY accepted his award at a ceremony in the Manic House Dublin.Most graciously commenting that he felt 'The Bible' ought to have attracted similar accolades,also FORTY GUNS TO APACHE PASS by the great ZANE GRAY.But well done,Hector.Also voting for next year's award begins now so if you go straight to your laptop and push ALL the buttons at once you will assist your FAVE author and maybe get them the award next year.My HOT NUMBER ONE thus far this year is GUTTY BUNYAN,for her marvellous book about fashion and POLEDANCING EMPOWERMENT is MARY MC NUTT from Borris-In-Keeve,with illustrations by LUAISE O LURGS.Go,cailini!
RADIO BUTTY FILM FESTIVAL
The RADIO BUTTY film festival will be held on Sat and Sun afternoon-showing all day 'PADDY',starring Des Cave,'The Girl With The Green Eyes' and 'QUACKSER FORTUNE HAS A COUSIN IN THE BRONX' starring GENE WILDER.Make sure and book your seat-OUTSIDE THE CAPTAIN BUTTY CARAVAN in THE BUTTY BARN.
Also announcing RADIO BUTTY TRIBUTE TO DENNIS HOPPER,R.I.P-to be introduced by legendary FILM-MAKER PAUL DUANE,who was in America one time.This event will be ON Friday night,late.RADIO BUTTY DENNIS HOPPER TRIBUTE.
99.5-have you got that?
99.5 fm-RADIO BUTTY
Irish Writers Credit Crunch Action Squad To be Formed
Yes,it's official.According to reports in today's 'News Assorted'a crack
Dear "Radio Butty"
I see from this week's NORTHERN STANDARD that you hope to bring a certain GORE VIDAL to the Monaghan area,to 'read'.O you do do you?Well how about this-GORE your buttcakes with a finely sharpened set of my buck goats' horns!Put that in your drum and bang it,Literary & Arts Festival-yes Literary & Arts Festival where people steal your CANS that I had hidden under a bush only to come back after I'd been to the toilet to find them lying there-GONE!
Let me tell you this,so-called 'Captain' Butty or whatever you call yourself,if you or Vidal or that Allen fellow with the swanky niece is seen coming about here spouting 'poetry',youse'll be going home in what might be described as wobbling 'cybernaut' fashion-that is to say,HALF-MAN,half CREAMERY CAN.
Good day
Yours truly
'Aggrieved' Buds Mc Quidlet,
Cornamooney P.0.
Weemen's Weekly:Price 1/11d
Punctilious
My young son had been collecting frog spawn and put it in an old gold-fish bowl.Two days later he came rushing to me shouting:"Mummy my frog spawn aren't full stops any more,they're commas!"
Sure enough,each little dot had grown a tail!
Fuck me!
Mrs P.B,Fleetwood.
Dear Flatlake
Just a short note to say how much I am enjoying reading your website/blog.It really is fun.But not only that-I was wondering could you possibly help me?You see,my boomerang won't come back.Thanking you in anticIpation:
Charles Drake,comedian(Decd.)
I SAY-BANG ON!It's the RADIO BUTTY film corner.......!DON'T FORGET TO TUNE YOUR CAR RADIOS FROM FRIDAY UNTIL MONDAY..broadcasting all the way through the festible..sorry festival.On what frequency?JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE SIGNS!(Boiling pink clouds in sky,dancing sun etc.)ONLY kidding-THE REAL FREQUENCY FOR THE WORLD-FAMOUS WIRELESS STATION Radio Butty IS:-
99.5 fm
got that,Flakers?Get tuned!This week's POWER PLAY!"The Old Rugged Cross" by JOHN PRINE
Corporal Worst:Port Of Call Ballybay Harbour
Tough guy detective Tony Manchito is committed to wreaking personal revenge on the criminals who have not only stolen his pet iguana but slaughtered his whole family in Drumhowan.Helped by Nicky Flute,his colleague in the NYPD,Broad Road Precinct,Tony tracks down
PHOTOPLAY *****
DAILY MAIL********************
OUR BOYS magazine******
NEEDLEWORK MONTHLY **
(To be reviewed next issue:THE DEVIL'S PISH,starring Doris Nudie-Pipp)
BREAKING NEWS ! 
In the cinema marquee at 7pm - fri night ...
'DRUMMERS ARSE' - an enlightening fly on the wall documentary about the life of a freshly pressed white towel and what it goes through over forty minutes on the Scanbitz stage.
Camera - Ginger Baker
Sound -- Keith Moon
Design - Buddy Rich
Devised, written and presented by pat ( not Eugene ) McCabe ..sposored by Bud Light.
FORTHCOMING HIGHLIGHTS ON RADIO BUTTY!***********..........!!!!!!!
11.55-1.35 a.m
Midnight Movie:Night-Train To Scotshouse
starring Robert Heifer and Ed Baker Jnr.
with
Shelley Tressil,Bert Ingre.
Friggs,a cold-blooded corrupt ex-policeman,masterminds a bank robbery with the reluctant assistance of Helmut Borg,a bitter ex-convict and Ingram,a Harlem musician heavily in debt to his bookie.But the enterprise is heavily jeopardised by Borgs' violent racial prejudice and a freakish twist of fate.Night Train To Scotshouse is shown in six dimensions and,availing of the accompanying X-Dr 21% headset,you can climb into the television and pretend you're on the train in America.It's great!
Ingram......Oweny King
Borg..........Kresler Allington
Lorry......Shelly Fleich
Bacco.......Will Henry
Ruth........Syracuse Ruddle
Tressil.......Herself
Screenplay by Joyce Kennedy Joyce,from the novel by Buttley Kingston(Black and White)
4.30 The Living Bucket
Have you ever thought that a bucket might have feelings?They have,you know.
A magazine edition of observations on inanimate objects from around the world.
Presented by Dr Eamon Wisenthal
2.30 Stereo
Afternoon Theatre
The Defenestration Of Fonsey Toot
by Majorie Hackball-Twig
Fonsey's new conservatory is large and luxurious.His neighbours can't help admiring it,and have even been known on occasion to compliment it.But one night,his braggadocio becomes that little too much to bear-and the sound of crashing glass wakens up the tranquil village of Bootle-On-Snudge,as a figure which appears suspiciously similar to their fellow citizen,is to be observed-punctured with dispartate shards of glass,after the manner of a disproportionately large voodoo doll-sailing in shadow past the spire of the local church.
Music composed by C.Note
Directed by Henry News
Producer Not Kevin Allen,Keith.
Flatlake Radio FFL,first broadcast Buttyvan Drum,last Monday.
(Repeated next Flubb)
FUNLEY SQUA-rare groove.
Funley,
Your prized possession is...
A compilation which I always use at gigs and which I bought in Lisnaskea in 1975.I liked a lot of the tracks and happened to be in the record shop when a couple of copies came in,so I snapped it up.The title track Pops For Protestants was so against the grain at the time that it didn't sell a thing.But 12 years later,the rare groove explosion happened and the track became an unlikely anthem for popsters on the street.DJs were rantically trying to get it and copies were changing hands for substantial sums.
How have you built up your collection?
By keeping hold of 99% of the records I've bought since 1997 and hitting people over the head with crates if they don't give me theirs.
Can you tell us about your record-digging tactics?
I used to go to record fairs anf occasionally I might finds a gem like The Lee Harvey Oswald Memorial Pipe Band Plays All Your Favourite Flatlake Airs but those occasions were not all that common.Now I'm a one man
Tell about these 'holy grails' you have mentioned..
There are certain records that are rumoured to exist but are hard to pin down.'Protestant's is one of these.No one had seen or heard it but,like '
The records you're famous for playing became the soundtrack to the rare groove era of the late 80s.Did you set out to create a new scene?
After 'Pops',in a way I did.But it was A Festschrift For Hughie Stocius' that 'nailed' it,I suppose you could say,for me.
Funley Squa,what's a 'festchrift?'
I don't know.
Butty ...If you gimme four weekend camping tickets I'll tell you who put up the hIllybilly photies and the bit about the easydrinkers ..... yours, Micky Quigly ....anonymouse.
PROTESTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
I am delighted to in a position to announce that the rare LP 'Pops For Protestants'(1971,price 17/11)for which we sent out a distress call,has now been located in a WAR ON WANT shop in CAVAN,featuring all the hits.So thanks to all you good people who scoured the county.Give yourselvesa BIG clap on the BACK.For my part,I'm off to my special custom-made 'pop' room,to do the 'woolly bully' and the 'Locomotion' with all the good old stars of yesteryear,the Alexander Brothers,Kevin Mc Kellar,Fr Sydney Mc Ewan(even tho' he's not protestant) and the Cullybackey Brass Reed Flagolet Watering Can and Biscuit Brass Band.O and by the way,to anyone who happens to be reading this,I did not-repeat DId not-WRITE the bit of scurrilous prose with tyhe picture of the two GEEKS on it that immediately follows this post,but I DO happen to know who it WAS and if they think they're going to provoke me into RETALIATION they have another think coming.I shall stroll by with my nose retrousse,ululating wearily,with all the phlegm I can muster-as though some Philip Larkin at a Kingsley Amis Conference-'The Little dog yaps but the stallion GOES SAILING BY.'Ha ha-touche!
COMING SOON in the Flat Lake Cinema Marquee .... 
EASY DRINKER by Pat ( not Eugene ) McCabe
Two young ‘Hillybilly’ biker brothers , POTS AND NIBBIE Malloy sell some dope in Cootehill, stash their cash away in their gas-tank and set off for a trip across the north country on their way to a head-banger bash in Ballyshannon, on their own personal odyssey looking for a way to lead their lives. On the journey they encounter bigotry and hatred from small-town communities who despise and fear their non-conformism. However POTS AND NIBBIE also discover people attempting 'alternative lifestyles' who are resisting this narrow-mindedness, there is always a question mark over the future survival of these drop-out groups. The gentle hillybilly community who thank God for 'a place to stand' are living their own unreal dream. A poacher they encounter and his Lithuanian wife are hard-pushed to make ends meet. Even LSD turns sour when the trip is a bad one. Death comes to seem the only freedom. When they arrive at THE BLOATED IGUANA in Scotshouse, they are insulted by SOME MEMBERS OF THE the local KEEP MONAGHAN CLEAN COMMITTEE as weirdo degenerates. They are arrested on some minor pretext by ACE
3/10 ... Although faintly amusing with some visceral, if repetative, dialogue, McCabe just seems to be up to all his old tricks again... some notable camerawork though and a fecking kick-ass soundtrack - Tilda McSwinton - Northern Standard Arts
EVER HAD RINGING IN YOUR EARS?For every second of every day?
The condition known as tinnitus takes many forms.A profoundly deaf person may hear bells ringing inside his head.Continuously.For every waking moment.Or noises like escaping steam,or rushing water.What is less commonly know,however,is that these effects may be the result not of TINNITUS or any similar affliction,but,rather more simply,the outcome of the sufferer's failure to exhibit the required amount of MANNERS and COURTESY while attending a certain WORLD-FAMOUS festival in Monaghan.Thereby finding HIM or HER-self ROUNDLY smacked over the nut with the FESTIVAL CLUB!For which singular purpose it has been SET ASIDE.So the next time you feel tempted to quaff an inordinate number of CANS,and subsequently to roar from behind the concealment of some bushes or trees:'The Flatlake is a bags!'-I urge you,readers-THINK AGAIN! Or you'll be DIZZY all right,but not with excitement and cultural NOURISHMENT.No,you'll be like something you'd see at the fairground,with a sickly looking expression as you hold your head,not knowing,as the colloquial saying goes,your ARSE from your ELBOW.So,be forewarned Flakers-the CLUB is primed and waiting,behind GLASS!
FLATLAKE SIXTIES ROAD ANTHEM LYRIC COMPETITION
You can win ONE OUNCE OF TEA LEAVES!If you can complete this lyric,to the tune of STEPPENWOLF'S HIT BORN TO BE WILD-entries on a twig to Flartlake at this page:
LYRIC
"Get your tractor running
Head out on the highway...."
(More incompete SIXTIES ANTHEMS coming soon)
TONIGHT'S TELEVISION
8.15 PM
The Shitehawk Of Flatlake
by Hoof Gurk
The classic serial
The first of seven episodes starring DERMOT CORK as NORBERT FINLAY with NORRIS GUMBOOT as 'THE MAJOR.'
Norbert has just learned that he has come last in the Scotshouse Ploughing Competition and that his wife Laetitia has disappeared to Ulan Bator.Elzabeth-Jane and Howard are reconciled but Patsy's peace is short-lived when he is scrunched into an unrecognisable mess by an out-of-control tractor on the Cornabooka Road.Unable to bear the shame of coming last in the finals,Norbert eats a live turkey and is incarcerated in St Funkie's Hospital.Meanwhile,in Scrubs,Henchard Kibby is pretending to be dead.
Donald Farfrae....JACK GALLOWAY
Elizabeth Jane.....JANET PUP
Newson...............SPRIGS MUTT
Labourer............STUGLET HANAFY
The Shitehawk Of Flatlake...MUTTSY 'CANS' MC GAW
Cook.....................BENNY BRIGGS
Abel Spudcake.......TOM TWIG
Music by Karl Alkie
Script Editor STORECALF MOONEY
Designer JONATHAN COMBOVER
Directed for FLATLAKE PRODUCTIONS by KEVIN (not 'Keith')ALLEN.
(Repeated next Friday at 11.10 pm,review by Robert Embitterment:page 78.)
Art Pick******
CHICK-LIT WRITER'S ADRIENNE MANOLO'S LATEST 'THAT BROPHY GIRL' has been given a cool reception from mens' groups all over the country.What's your verdict?Tune in tonight to Flatlake Review-in the meantime,here's an extract:
"It was the oldest story in the world.He was already married,she was married.Both had children.One night recently when she had been working late at
-No!,whimpered Noodlie.
Each backed away,panting like athletes.His hair was thinning,both blue eyes too pale.She could see herself in them;rumpled,faded,flushed,faded.
In silence he drove her home.Her belly still radiating with guilt and shame-but also,yes,desire!-she opened the door to no.51,Cornabooka Avenue,Smudge.
-You're early',she heard her husband call out from the drawing room,'I haven't all the hoovering finished yet!'
Her face burnt with the fire of a thousand suns of shame-but still-she knew-HE was there!
*********
So-what's the verdict?Even in these LIBERATED times,do you think Noodlie Brophy has gone too far?Has WOMENS' LIB gone too far?FLATLAKE REVIEW-immediately after THE ROCKFORD FILES-is presented tonight by ELEANOR STANLEY JACKDAW.
TONIGHT'S TELEVISION
7.20-8.10
THE ROCKFORD FILES
starring JAMES GARNER
in
The Trouble With Warren
Beth considers her cousin a genius and is peeved by Jim's low opinion of his intelligence,but it is borne out when Warren gets himself into a terrible tangle and she has to beg Jim to try to rescue him but to no avail whatsoever when,as usual,she discovers that the world-rated detective has once again locked himself in the outside lavatory.
Jim Rockford.....JAMES GARNER
Joseph Rockford....NOAH BEERY
Det Becker..........JOE SANTOS
Beth Davenport....GRETCHEN CORBETT
with
JAMES LUISI as 'The Number Two Man.'
LILY ALLEN
Well done to Lily Allen for winning the three prizes in England last night(IVOR NOVELLO)from all your friends and colleagues in The Butty Barn.
K.Carrington(Dynasty)
NUDIE MARY MONKEY shortlisted for prize!
Yes it was champagne all round here at Flatlake Towers when news came through that Aine ('Giddy Goat')Totebag,our chick-lit writer in residence here at the festival,was informed that her VERY FIRST NOVEL-book NUMBER ONE,to be followed by THOUSANDS-has been shortlisted for THE SILVER HATPIN award,in the USA.Yes,NUDIE MARY MONKEY GETS A HUSBAND has beaten off all the competition-which included,readers note!-such luminaries as BUDGEEN HALLIGAN and NOELEEN SCUAB,author of TAKE ME INTO THE BROOM CUPBOARD,PATSY!It's going to be a nail-biting finish,girls!But all our money is on Aine the giddy goat!Walk out with her,Mary 'An Moncai!'Fine girl ye are!
There were angry scenes at the PRODUCTION OFFICE late last evening when an assortment of loud noises and what those present took to be an animal of some kind,perhaps trapped in some brambles,turned out to be local man HUGHIE STOCIOUS,who in spite of being restrained,succeeded in bursting into
'We'll see how many prizes THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS will win then!',he scoffed as he departed.
('The Nosiness Of Protestants' by Hoof Gurk,ISBN£@9,is published by PARNSIP PRESS of London,at £15.99)
VIDEO REQUEST
.....and we realise it is a LONG SHOT but would any of our readers/listeners happen to have a VHS copy of the 1978 film SHE-WOLVES OF KNOCKNAMINSHA?
Collectors should not that this is not to be confused with the KIDNAMINSHA version,which was later-Kidnaminsha being in the southern part of the county,of course-near Carrickmacross.KNOCKNAMINSHA being closer to BROOMFIELD,Castleblayney direction.
Also:STRUCTURE OF MILK PRODUCTION IN SCOTLAND,1880-1887.Any chance?
Many thanks
The Captain.
Tich and Quackers-are they coming?
Impossible as yet to give a final decision.Suffice to say that negotiations are still continuing.But we will keep you posted.
Terrific News
Really great news about eighties soap star KRYSTLE CARRINGTON agreeing to perform with LILY ALLEN this year at The Flatlake Festival.We all knew it was a long shot but now that it is a certainty we can all heave a collective sigh of relief.Now I wonder:might it be possible to coax JOAN 'ALEXIS'COLLINS into doing something similar,perhaps with local outfit CALFSHED,for example?I can just imagine hostilities BREAKING OUT between her and her former rival KRYSTLE,and the pair of them TUMBLING off THE BUTTY BARN stage together,tearing big lumps out of one another,and everyone laughing with CANS and all.What a laugh it would be!
Where to now for Flatlake?TIMMY LEA pulls out.Yes,its true-star author Timmy Lea,creator of seventies smash paperback hits CONFESSIONS OF A WINDOW CLEANER/POP PERFORMER/DRIVING INSTRUCTOR has,in circumstances less civil than we would wish,in a faxed communication,told the festival to 'sling its hook!' It is with a heavy heart I write these words.But don't despair-discussions are continuing as we speak with the representatives of BARRY EVANS(Adventures Of A Plumber's Mate).
HEDGE SCHOOL
I hope you know that there is HEDGE SCHOOL being set up at the festival and this is not a joke!Did you ever hear of DEIRDRE LEARMONT?YOU DIDN'T-WELL SHE'S on the telly(TG4) and it is her idea she is going to bringing along slates and bits of chalk and you can sit under a big sycamore and learn your spellings and sums and all and all about years ago and the things that heppened in Ireland.Did you ever hear of BRIAN BORU?Was chopped up in a tent by SIEGFRIED THE SHITKICKER and his band of blondy brigands from up around 'so-called civilised' Scandinavia.They say that they have the best education system in the world there.O do they?Well just wait till they see DEIRDRE LEARMONT'S FAMOUS DONEGAL HEDGE SCHOOL!No computers there you'll find but a good big skelp of a stick on the back if you don't get these kweskins right:1.Who made the world?Answer:God and 2.What is the festival that eats all other festivals for brekkie?Answer:Flatlake.
Well done,a bhuachailli agus a chailini!Slan libh-An Maistir!
VAMPIRES BEWARE!
I see from adverts for other FESTIVALS that they are having VAMPIRE WEEKENDS and STRANGE BOY-TYPE invitations.Well let me make this clear from the off,you bloodsucking troublemaking effers-if sight nor sign of VAMPIRES is seen at the world-famous flatlake festival,you will have a lot more to worry youse than TORCH-BEARING mobs or CLOVES OF GARLIC!!Believe you me,this is not a joke-if any reports reach mine of KEVIN ALLEN'S ears regaring MOONLIT CREEPINGS or SHADOWY appearances at TALL WINDOWS,those sharp-fanged NARCISSISTS in CAPES will be a sorry-looking lot by the time we're finished with them.If you want that type of thing,why not eff off back to DR KRONOS or NOSFERATU or one of those clients,where I presume your so-called NEEDS will be adequately looked after.But don't bother your pale arses coming about the vicinity of SCOTSHOUSE.I hope I make myself clear.
The Captain.
EMU FOR FLATLAKE:
Yes we have been cautious but at long last it can be revealed-EMU is definitely coming to the festival.But without ROD HULL,because of course he fell off a ROOF.Welcome to the gang,Emu!
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN(to Flatlake)
Yes,we will.But rest assured it won't be a prang-toothed bloodsucking cur,whether he is 15 yrs old or not.Standing there gawking sucking his chops,intimidating ordinary non-bloodsucking ticket-holders.Yes,blond,beady-eyed Scandinavians with dark eyes-we WILL let the right one in.But it won't be YOU!
PIG RUBBISH(OR,IN IRISH,RAIMEIS NA MUICE)
There is a pile of old rubbish following on from this post about pigs and the like(In Irish-muice,or muca)and 'mucky' is what the little pink bastards
are and indeed the black and white variety too so I am afraid The Captain hasn't the slightest bit of attention in giving advice on farmyard matters.Principally because he is too busy placing a post here regarding the imminent appearence of one BUTTY THE BUDDHIST at The Flatlake Festival.Yes,Butty Narps,the local Hindu man,will be mounting his own tent with placards of wisdom outside,along the lines of:I have never seen a man lost who was on a straight path,if you cannot stand a sting do not put your finger in the hornet's nest and unless you want your head kicked in don't be coming in scrounging free drink at The Captain's Bar.Looking forward to doses of wisdom,this year folks!And all courtesy of Butty Narps,Healer To The Stars!(What may appear to you to be a clump of bushes could be some lunatic who has stolen THE FESTIVAL CLUB! AND HAS EVERY INTENTION OF BATEING THE HEAD OFF YOU WITH IT!
Dear Captain,
I wonder if you could help me. One of my Saddleback sows just delivered 13 healthy piglets. However, given that she was covered by a rare wooly Hungarian Mangalitza, all 13 piglets are unquestionably black and white, sporting not hint of any rare orangy wooliness whatsoever. Do you have any knowledge of phantom 'covering' in Mohaghan ? Or could this be the work of someone up to no good ?
Yours,
Fay Weldon - Remmington Cottage - Biggsley Kingsteighnton - Dorset
PS ... I found your inhaler tucked away behind the divan ...feel free to call around to collect it when you're next over.
MARITIME EXPERTS!
As you can see below we have just received a post from the Emperor Of Ethiopia regarding the availability of NAUTICAL CRAFT.Well,does anybody know where His Royal Highness might get a boat?I think maybe Hogan's of The Cross rent them out.Anyway I'll make enquiries.Wouldn't like to see our old pal Hayley stuck!Especially since his first big hit 'Me Like whistle Down De Wind,Man!' happens to be one of The Captain's favourite reggae tunes.So,
Butty ... mash it up big at the flatlakey. Me wanna know if you rent canoe and ting?
One love. rastafari. lion.
Hayley Selassi-Mills - Chelsea Harbour - 
I see in the papers where Joni Mitchell('Both Sides Now','Big Yellow Taxi' and others)has been giving put about BOB DYLAN ,('Times They Are A Changing,Like A Rolling Stones,and 'Rabbits')branding him a phoney
and a PLAGIARIST.Srong words for one of the top popsters of recent times.But thr thought struck me:would these two GIANTS of popular music be interested in dropping along to THE FLATLAKE FESTIVAL to continue this debate?They would be most welcome,with sandwiches and 'pop' laid on.And HUGH BARNEY MURRAY OF CLAXTON BY THE RED GAP has volunteered to act as 'MODERATOR' in any discussion that might ensue.So,over to you bOB and JONI!
HI,FLAKERS!You don't know me yeah but it's cool yeah my mates and me like right we're in London right and we live in this squat its great but we had this idea see maybe a film all based in Hilton right where we come in-GET UP AGAINST THE WALL,YOU GOT THAT JOHNNY!-and it looks like we're gonna take the freakin' place apart but there's no way we just want to make a film have you got any equipment maybe we could call it THE HILTON MEMORANDUM' OR 'THE BIG HOUSE CONCLUSION' or something like that?Whatcha think,Captain Butty-or KEVIN ALLEN?You directed a FILM right?Is it easy?We HAVE a CAMERA,'cos DEXY-that's my mate,right-his DAD owns a chemist's shop-get in TOUCH,yeah?This could be a GREAT project for you!THE FLATLAKE ENIGMA-yeah that's a good one whatcha think?Get in touch!Cheers,man-JIZZY,DEXTER'S FRIEND,NOTTING HILL.
HEADING FOR FLATLAKE-yes,it's bodie and doyle!Did you hear that?BODIE AND DOYLE!!!!Who will be ABSAILING IN ON JUNE 4th!Get aahhhhhhtavit!Except that it's true!(Look out for The Flatlake "PROFESSIONALS " theme tune COMPETITION-do you think you could put words to it?For if you do you could stand to WIN asigned PHOTO of THE BOYS!Think about it..."here they come,,it's Bodie and Doyle...shooting with guns...watch the robbers run..." etc etc,with something about ROPES and MIDDLE EASTERN SHEIKS.
FLATLAKE 'CUTTING EDGE' COMEDY COMPETITION!CHARLIE DRAKE AND JIMMY 'WHACKO' EDWARDS RUNNING NECK AND NECK.AS OF 3.35 PM,THE RESULTS WERE AS FOLLOWS(LINES OPEN TO 15.50)CHARLIE 'MY BOOMERANG WON'T COME BACK' DRAKE 115,007 VOTES-CALL 08987678 OR WWW.TWITTERUK.-AND JIMMY 'THE CANE-THRASHING,HORSE-BETTING,ALCOHOL-QUAFFING' EDWARDS 1113,476 VOTES.But there's still lots of time so get voting now!
Wise men say...burble gurgle...only fools rush...gurgle blup...gurgle..in...phlupp phlup...but I can't help falling in blup..blup..blup..you.'
Excerpt from the Jacques Cousteau-directed "ELVIS AT 50,000 FATHOMS' inc 'In the Ghetto' and 'Hound-Dog',available on RCA Victor,catalogue..blup..number..glukk..IsB 675%.
UNCONFIRMED REPORTS
Unconfirmed,but reliable,reports would seem to indicate that LADY GA GA('Poker face' etc),committed reader of the RADIO BUTTY BLOG,is slated to re-record the CHARLIE DRAKE 1950's hit MY BOOMERANG WON'T COME BACK.If she does,one thing is for certain and that is that it is going to be our NUMBER ONE power play here on RADIO BUTTY.Let's hear it for LADY GA GA and C DRAKE,entertainers to all the kids and a devout,adoring public.
ACID BATH RUMOURS
Is it true that Reginald Haig,'The Acid Bath Murderer' visited the Cordoo area at some time in the late nineteen forties?And that he,reportedly,invited Mrs Ellen Toodie to 'come for a drive with him at that time?Or is this just baseless rumour,similar to the gossip that swept through the area some years ago,to the effect that a certain Mr 'Ted Bundy' had been seen in Willie Creedon's Bar & Grocery,Lacken,apparently purchasing a 'packet of Park Drive cigarettes'-with it later transpiring that the mass-murderer Bundy had,in fact,been nowhere near the vicinity.And that it all had been Bunty Meenie's idea of 'a joke'.And not a very funny one,either,as most right-thinking people conceded later on.So unless you have firm evidence regarding the visit of Mr Haig to the district,somewhere around 1945-46, we don't want to know about it.
Information Caravan 'Public Information' Dept.
CHARLIE DRAKE CLUB
Hi Radio Butty-most of your readers,and listeners,won't know me,but for many years now I have been an avid fan of the stage and screen(primarily as a vocalist)star CHARLIE DRAKE-Hello my darlings!-and for a long time have been thinking of setting up a Flatlake 'Charlie Drake' fan club based in the Monaghan and Cavan area.If we can persuade enough subscribers,we could hold regular monthly meetings in the Scotshouse,or Clones,area,and amuse ourselves by singing snatches from 'Volare' and other Charlie hits-or just by swapping stories about the great man himself.If you do happen to be interested,could you leave an envelope marked C.Drake,near the sycamore adjacent to the Information Caravan.Many thanks.Look forward to seeing you,Drakers!(Which is what my wife and I propose to call our new 'club.')There's no doubt about it-The Flatlake Festival has certainly administered a blood transfusion of enthusiasm to te whole north midlands area.I wonder would any of your readers be interested in a Jimmy 'Whacko' Edwards club?
This month's book club choice:Whee!I've Burnt Down The Orphanage,Irish women writing
in the 21st century.
"The girls watch the girls watch the girls who watch the girls go by!(Eh?)girls walk boys watch it happens every day och brrrrrrrrrr!"
GORDON JACKSON,"Easy Listening At The North Pole",rec. 1968,Decca label.
Delighted to see that THE DALAI LAMA(Tibet)has been tuning in to RADIO BUTTY-see his post below.In the meantime,however:
FLATLAKE SWAP 'N TRADE:
Would any of your listeners,asks Diarmuid O Cathasaigh of Lacken,Co Cavan,happen to have a print of the (now rare)postcard of DR CRIPPEN'S 1948 visit to Ireland?Buyer waiting-prepared to pay cash.apparently he stopped in Bunacdrush on his trip here.Thanks!
Dear Mr. Butty,
I was listening to your show on Fliday night and found your Vatican report quite compelling. I had no idea that the Pope’s reticence to emblace the internet highway as a means of communicating what the Cathoric Church has to offer young people of today and I found it quite enlightening. I mean, although the Internet can and has been used as an abusive tool to enable adults to lure the young and vulnerable into their filthy clutches, the World Wide Web does provide a wide spectlum of possibilities for the clergy to spread the good word of God…and all at a flick of a little mouse. Furthermore, for those perverted servants of the Lord who are ‘still at it’ there are all sorts of adult dating forums on which they can continue their ‘other’ good work.
It’s just a thought. Good luck at Flatlakes !
Yours Sincerely,
The Dali Lama
IRISH WRITERS WIN INTERGALACTIC 'TOPS OF THE TOWN!HANDBALL ALLEY HO' DOWN,SUCKER! runs away with prize. ICE -T and FIFTY CENT reportedly interested in FILM RIGHTS.
There was much rejoicing here at Flatlake Towers when news came in that Irish Writers,as we have long suspected,have been officially proclaimed THE BEST IN THE WORLD,seeing off competition from as far afield as RUSSIA and INDIA.Leading the pack,according to spokesman
Nij Aldjoek,Sweden,was AINE NI SCIOB,whose essay "The Importance Of Semi-Colons In North Cork Gaelic Poetry 1560-1561' is soon to be featured in NANA,a magazine of new second generation feminist writing and BIC PENN,a 17 year old 'wunderkind' from Kilmallock,whose synthesis of HIP HOP slang and gypsy talk,HANDBALL ALLEY HO' DOWN,SUCKER! has astonished judges..Russian novelists,Aldjoek claimed,conceded defeat with an 'impressive' grace,and THE ENGLISH,having only managed to trail home in 155th place with AN ARRANGEMENT OF CONKERS,by Betsy De William-Fortnum,were reportedly 'LIVID.'
So,well done again The Irish!We mightn't have an arse in our trousers but boy can we write the poems and NOVELS!As a matter of fact I think I'll go off and write one myself.'It was a moonlight night in old Cullybuttkins and Mrs Doris Nutbird was making her way after a feed of prayers at the evening Benediction.When,suddenly,out from behind a bush popped-THE WOLFMAN!
So what do you htink?I'd give it 5 stars!*****
But that's only because it was writted by me.More next week:DORIS NUTBIRD FALLS FOUL OF THE LYCANTHROPE and THE MINOTAUR DROPS IN FOR A CHAT WTH HUGHIE STOCIOUS.
LOST AND FOUND:
Did anyone happen to find Mrs Meenie Mc Gimp's husband in or around last weekend?She left word the The Information Caravan that he popped into Hughie's of Swann's Cross by Hackney for 'a wee one' and,after that,literally disapppeared into thin air.Has anyone connected with the festival seen him by any chance?A man answering his description was seen in the vicinity of Ward's Of the
John Ruskin for festival!
The noted UK author JOHN RUSKIN has just agreed to 'pop along' on June 4th.John,of course,is the eminent author of that searing piece of English prose,'On Locomotives.' Also in discussions is STEPHEN LEACOCK,author of THE HUMAN ELEMENT IN MATHEMATICS.(1869-1944)
Local Author in surprise win!
All eyes in the literary world are on DERMOT CORK('Stella Maris',Cornageeha Cross) this weekend,after Dermot,having submitted his novel MR MOONEY MADE MY MRS for the prestigious CONCRETE BOLLARD AWARD,LONDON,stunned readers and the general public by WINNING the award OUTRIGHT,Clement Lacunae,a spokesman for the company stated today(via Reuters)'Mr Cork may have with this novel created an entirely new strand of literature.Critics who have suggested that we are not open to 'popular' fiction may have to remain quiet after this.It is a whole new sub-genre,'similar in its way to the now exhausted CHICK LIT.For my own part,the most casual of perusals identified at least 34 'nudie' parts on each age-which can't be bad!So from now on 'nay sayers' who claim that we favour only titles such as THE TENDERNESS OF BUDGIES,THE ISOLATION OF AARDVARKS,or indeed THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS,may have to eat their hat(s).'
Bunty Meenie found!
Doesn't it turn out that Mrs Meenie's husband of thirty years-he wasn't lost at all,but was in at the back of Hughie Stocious's all the time!
'What's all the fuss about?',quipped the redoubtable Bunty as he zipped up his fly.
FLATLAKE PLAGIARISM SHOCK!
Celebrated Dublin novelist Anthony Tick(Booker Prize,Uk Nevada Award,Showcakes International Prize)has hit out at Flatlake's OWN literary sensation HOOF GURK by claiming that his most recent work THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS owes much to Tick's own most recent novel
AN URGENCY OF HAIRY HORSES,which was published by Feeble & Tooks of London earlier this year.Perhaps not unsurprisingly,Mr Gurk has in turn responded vigorously,pledging that if 'That ***er Tick shows his face near Flatlake,then he is in danger of getting what Mr Gurk describes as blu** fu** kicked out of him.
This is a literary spat which we here at The Information Caravan will be watching with keen interest.
Don't forget,Flakers-free beers all weekend at Hughie Stocious's,Swann's Cross by Hackney-just as long as you stay all day(Hughie Stocious-the cup that cheers!)
STUGLET HANAFY,comedy terrorist,(now on Crispin's(8)School Management Board)-excerpt from his forthcoming autobiography THE TUMOUR IS ON ME NOW!
'So I'm standing there,right,just at the bus stop and this guy comes up,right,wearing this raincoat,right,and says:Is this a 31 or is that the next one?' I mean-come on!-what's that all about?'
Then:
You wake up you've just been doing Margate then-whumph-it's like the Twin Towers-man you can't beiieve it-the wife is stil asleep-and there's your kids-bish bash bosh bosh-and you think-wish I was an alkie like I used to be in the eighties before I landed my BBC series-you know abaht kids they're like Al Quaeda aren't they-my agent says I ought to bring them on the show-you know he's right-Crispin he's like,I swear,Osama Bin farkin'--what's that dear?There's not enough olives?Gotta go!
**When in town,get stocious at Hughie's!(Home of the Flatlake stars)
"As my hit song goes,I Drink Alone!' says Canadian heavy metaller and rhythm and blues exponent nonpareil GEORGE THOROGOOD,'Except when I'm in Hughies,that is!(Don't forget-Texas Hold 'Em and Gun Club Treasure Hunt this weekend!)
FLATLAKE BOOK CLUB:(STAR RATINGS *,**,***,****,*****.)
THE CHOICES THIS MONTH,READERS ARE:
1)NUDIE MARY MONKEY GETS A HUSBAND
2)TOOTLE BUNYAN O YOU ARE A COW!
3)GLORIOUSLY BLONDE AND A BUCKET AND A HALF OF HALFPENNIES
and
4)GIDDY GOAT BRESLIN-WHERE'S THAT GIRL!
Final choices will be unveiled next Monday.See you then-Ger!
KRYSTLE CARRINGTON SET TO PERFORM WITH CRYSTAL SWING!
sorry-mistake.
ATTENTION ENGLISH VISITORS!
regrettably,this communication has just been received by the information caravan:
'Me and my mates is coming over to this Flatlake,roi',and we is gonna duff you up,got it,you and all them hippies and that and all them clowns wot does knitting and wees in ditches,it's crap!'
Joe Hawkins,central protagonist of the celebrated RICHARD ALLEN novels,SUEDEHEAD,SKINHEAD and SKINHEAD RIDES AGAIN(1974)
Please,visitors,when you return to the fair green slopes of Albion-can you point out to Joe the error of his ways?Maybe say this to him:'We live in a changed society,Joseph.So come on now,cut up that crombie and let's all go down to the gastropub for a bevvy,sparkling or still.'
BEATNIK INVASION PREDICTED FOR FLATLAKE!
Unconfirmed sources suggest that 'insider' information indicates that,following on from the 'northern troublemaker' alert of some years ago,predictions of rollnecked MANIACS with dark glasses descending on this year's festival,hell-bent on 'getting their kicks' any old way they can,are being taken very seriously indeed.But,if we hold our heads,these ruffians with their bongos and volumes of poetry will soon get short shrift-at Ireland's premier festival,and will be counting themselves lucky if they don't get their 'crazy crazy arses' kicked right up into their necks!
END OF 'BEATNIK' FESTIVAL ALERT.
In Town To-NIte!When in town why not pop in to Hughie Stocious's for a scone and a chat.Hughie Stocious-the cup that cheers!(Free taxi if you stay all day.)
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'Happy' Nudie Mulligan-collected hits available now on Emerald Green Records,including 'Do Earwigs Dream Of Acoustic Ewes? and 'I,Storecalf!',catalogue number SBn 4356,recommended by Paschal Henry,late of 'The Argonauts' and host of the latenight C&W radio show 'Who Ate Mama's Plastic Roses?'
POETRY CORNER:this week by RS Thomas.
"Yes I remember Adlestrop...
come to think of it,now that you mention it..
How many Flatlakers remember that great television show of the seventies that used to be on just after tea-HAWAII FIFTY,the great JACK LORD.That was some wave coming crashing down there at the start-be a while before you'd see the like of that in Bundoran or Rosses Point.Ah yes,HAWAII FIFTY,book him Danno:NUMBER ONE!
And the faces of the ROBBERS!
Bumpy Lake Coup!
JOAN 'ALEXIS' COLLINS CONFIRMED FOR 'BUMPY LAKE' FESTIVAL......
Yes,it's true-the fabled star of eighties television series 'DYNASTY' (also THE STUD,THE BITCH ,both with
(Joan is currently appearing in a 4-part remake of "The Longest Day",in which she takes the ROBERT MITCHUM part.)
OUT ! 
Dear Mr Butty,
Further to our Flat Lake meeting last night in the community hall – a motion was unanimously passed with regard to disbanding the Radio Butty element from the festival line up until further notice. We regrettably feel that your abusive and somewhat irresponsible behaviour on the website last night was the straw that broke the camel's back.... and your Butty privileges are rescinded forthwith. Furthermore, there were many at the meeting, including Rabbie McRolex and Binky Pointon, who have felt for some time now, that your once jaunty and often insightful blog communications have become quite stale in recent weeks. As we are keen to remain a cutting edge festival, we have therefore decided to replace your services with 'Calf Shed', a young progressive group of Redhills based broadcasters who own their own state of the art transmitter. Although your Gold-All-Access-VIP Butty-Barn wristband must be returned immediately, you are, under strict supervision, at liberty to come into the Flat Lake estate to collect your biscuit tin ( notice correct spelling ) and aerial equipment. Enda Connolly will be breaking up the Butty Caravan on the weekend and placing its remains in the Flat Lake skip. Furthermore, furthermore... In case you intended to carry on your blogging by illegally hacking into the website, we have imbedded a ‘perpetual change’ password system that will deny you any further access. Finally, it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. You have been a tiresome tireless servant of the Flat Lake over the years but enough is enough ...the way of the transmitter transgressor is hard.
Your Sincerely,
Sir Peregrine Whiff-Gusset OBE
Flat Lake Mansions
Scotshouse Demesne
THE CAPTAIN'S RESPONSE TO FLATLAKE SLANDER-
HA HA!What a laugh!In a world of never-ending laughs I have to say this is the best one yet.First of all,Mr 'Boss' of the festival out of Klanetthly or wherever it is you come from maybe you should get your facts right and firsyt of all spell 'meating' right for you are only making a show of yourself and your so-called komity what was supposed to be meating in the hall in Scothsouse last night to get me put out of the festival.Which is where you went and made fules of yourselfs because if you must no I am already out of it for I have been 'head-hunted' by a far better festival not far from your stupid campsite and that is the one that is called THE BUMPY LAKE FESTIVAL-and just in case you are having second thoughts aboput asking me bak-well DON'T BOTHER!For it is much too late for that,I am afraid-AND ALL I can say is that I would not like to be the so-called 'trailblazing' Flatlake festival in the weeks to come.What youse can do is forget it,Mr Allen,with your stupid knitting and clowns weeing in ditches-for THE BUMPY LAKE FESTIVAL is going to knock your nuts in,from here to Newbliss and right back to Multiernan.Just see if we don't!
THE CAPTAIN
I wonder what ALEXEI SAYLE,all-round funny man and star of THE YOUNG ONES-now novelist-thinks of WOMENS' LIB?Does he,perhaps,think it's gone too far,as many of our correspondents do?I,for one,will be looking forward to posing this question to the man in the shiny suit and trilby hat.This is what I'll say:
ME:Hello,Alexei.I'm one of your biggest fans.What do you think of womens' lib?
ALEXEI:What do I think of it?
ME:Yes.Do you think that maybe it's gone too far?
I'm all nervous wondering what his answer is going to be!
Lengthy review in this morning's 'Mountnugent Herald' for the Mystery Of Hens by Tom Krik,which we quote here in full.
"In this sedulously approbatory resume of poultry orientated manifestations,in no manner unappeasable or exclusive of luminous exercosity,this excursion into formal experiment and innovation not from any ramdom or modish avant garder at no time indicative of the stagnant ooze of inanition whole widening the focus of his inquiry one's absorption in the unappeasable not to say gross libel or calumny of fowl aligns one's views with the concentrated essence of what might he termed an essentially sedative world,one where sterner realities were at best tangential and a`t worst occlusive to the extent that the ghostly prefigurations of one's wintry apprehensions might be considered of more substance than the baleful winged and frugal avians scrabbling unceasingly in the dirt.A mystery ineed."
Dr Pip Alphonsus Theakston,Chief Literary Critic and Author of 'A Festchrift For Krik:Tom at Seventy."
"ELEGANCE OF NEWTS"-THE LATE ENTRY by Noolie Trevelyan into the CONCRETE BOLLARD FICTION PRIZE AWARD has reportedly strongly impressed the judges and now looks set to be a serious contender for the prize.(HOOF GURK is said to be 'livid.')
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Although we are 'flat' out here at Hilton preparing the grounds,The Flatlake Gang-cleaners,poets,volunteers et al,had a great old laugh,which was a great way of letting off steam,when young Mickey Pliny,having climbed up onto some rigging laughing and shouting that he 'had no intention of doing a stroke!',momentarily lost his footing and plummeted thirty feet into a barrel of dung!
And might I add that no-one chortled more HEARTILY than his own BROTHER-Pliny The Elder-when he saw what had happened!
Still,as I say,it's a great way of letting off some steam,and when he had cleaned himself up,Mickey sat down and joined us for a sambo and a bottle of pop,remarking as he did so to his friends and older brother:'Sure if you can't have a bit of a yarn and a laugh,what have you.Especially when it's Flatlake time again!' And how true that is.
Flash Cleans Floors Fast!And no messin'!(Fact)
The Woman From Years Ago Out Of Dr Finlay's Casebook.
FESTIVAL CLUB
Just a brief post here.Flakers,regarding the festival club.Which is an irregularly-shaped large COSH type of implement which wIll be pressed into service without compunction if any lip or 'witty' banter is directed at either myself or the organisers of the festival throughout the course of the forthcoming weekend.If you find this assertion unconvincing,might I suggest that you ask a MR HOOF GURK,a certAIN SELF-STYLED novelist our acquaintance,who found himself last year coming to very close quarters indeed with the same FESTIVAL CLUB,when he got a good hard welt of it across the back of the head,for calling people names,and shouting up abuse whilst other better-mannered and mORE TALENTED NOVELISTS were reading.
Here ends the announcement regarding the FESTIVAL CLUB.
'I'm Every Woman',sings Chaka Khan,which as far as The Flatlake Information Caravan is concerned,is a 'flat' load of nonsense.She isn't,for example,Aine Quigg who stalwartly mans the front desk for us,is she-and,for that matter,neither is she Mrs Ellen Smothers of The Diamond,or Barney 'The Turkey' Caldwell's mother.So what on earth is Chaka Khan on about?
DOPPELGANGER THREAT!
Now whether this communication which has just arrived at the Information Caravan is authentic or not,or is just an another example of friendly 'Flakers' having a laugh at our expense,but there is something which one feels a little bit sinister about its appearance-a tone not diminished by the fact that it is entirely made up of cut-out pieces of paper which read:
THIS IS messidge FROM RIVAL FESTIVAL WHICH IF YOU NO WHUT GUDE FOR YOU YOU WILL TAKE COGNISSIONS OF.WE ARE FROM RIVAL FESTIVAL WHICH IS CALLED "THE BUMPY LAKE" FESTIVAL and WE are SWORN ENEMIES of all what youse ones stand for as eggsampil of this we are PUTTING ON A RE-ENACTMENT OF THE SHOOTING OF PRESIDENT KENNEDY WITH LOCAL MAN AS THE PRESIDENT ONLY HE DOSE not no yet he has been chosen but he WILL when he gets a .33 BULLET IN THE HEAD HA HA WHAT a laugh that will be.And what a laugh it will be on you CAPTAIN SO CALLED BUTTY and HALF-ENGLISH HALF-WELSH MR 'I'M LILY ALLEN'S UNCLE' ALLEN-well then we will no that that dose not count round here and that the oNLY FESTIVAL WORTH TALKING ABOUT FROM NOW ON IS "THE BUMPY LAKE FESTIVAL" WHICH WEARS A SKULLMASK AND A CAPE BLACK AS NIGHT AND MAKES YURE STUPID 'COME ON IN KIDS' SO-CALLED COMMINUTY JAMBOREE LOOK STEWPIT BECOS THAT'S WHAT IT IS-WATCH OUT MR FLATLAKE BECAUSE 'the bumpy lake festival' eats the likes of you for breakfast.Coming up on our programme-HITLER IMPERSONATOR JONJO FORGS and WELL-KNOWN "REAL"ALTERNATIVE FESTIVAL showstopper PADDY 'GILLES DE RAIS" MC CLARKEY' WHO WILL BE FLAILING ALL BEFORE HIM AT HILTON WITH HIS HURLING STICK ,'CLICKY BA' WHICH IS STUDDED WITH NAILS AND BITS OF STONES.ha ha watch all them arty types running for cover as THE BUMPY LAKE BARBARIANS EAT THE WHOLE LOT OF THEM POETRY-SPOUTING MALCONTENTS AND DOLE SCROUNGERS ON TOAST!
___________________________________
"It Looks Very Much Like The Work Of The Scarlet Claw To Me,Snowy!'
Dick Barton out of 'Dick Barton,Special Agent!' from the wireless years ago.(Snowy,old age pensioners and
STAR OF "BONNIE AND CLYDE " TO PLAY KEVIN ALLEN!
It can now be revealed-with negotiations,apparently-at an advanced stage,that none other than MICHAEL J POLLARD(ie:CW MOSS,the petrol pump attendant in the
LATE ADDITION TO LITERARY PROGRAMME-ARTHUR HAILEY,AUTHOR OF ROOTS! and HOTEL.
Happily,we are in a position to announce that none other than
Erich Von Daniken's Niece Trapped In Pyramid!
It was,as they often say during the football matches,a very close call indeed when Agnes Von Daniken,ace lenswoman and documentary film-maker nearly met a sticky end when the door of a PYRAMID she was filming mysteriously SLAMMED shut and trapped her inside the bowels of the 2000 year old building,in mortal terror of being split in two by swinging blades and out-of-nowhere hammers that these structures are notorious for.Luckily,her author uncle ERICH happened to be nearby and swung into action,closing his eyes and communicating with 'mysterious forces' veyond our ken,and withing a matter of minutes the door had SWUNG OPEN,and out skipped his niece,once again safe and sound,free to continue with her filming of Egypt and the general area around Luxor and
There are some things,perhaps,which we are not meant to understand.ERICH VON DANIKEN'S BOOKS include CHARIOTS OF THE GODS,SON OF CHARIOTS OF THE GODS,and GODS' CHARIOTS,availble from
OUTSTANDING NEW 'PEACE DANCE' INVENTED.FOLLOWING ON FROM THE RECENT SUCCESS OF SAM THE SHAM AND THE PHARAOH'S 'WOLLY BULLY',THE ROYAL SHOWBAND'S 'HUCKLEBUCK' AND CHUBBY CHECKER'S LAUGH-A -MINUTE HIT 'CRACK THAT SQUEAKY!',MONAGHAN'S OWN TOM BRIGGS AND THE CRANKSHAFTS SEEM SET TO BREAK ALL MOULDS THIS SUMMER,RIVALLING EVEN CRYSTAL SWING'S STRATOSPHERIC 'SHE DRINKS TEQUILA',WITH THEIR VERSION OF NONIE HEUSTON'S 'WICK THAT WOMBAT',A HILARIOUS ROUTINE THAT HAS TO BE SEEN TO BELIEVED.ANY LINGERING FEAR AND SUSPICION THAT LINGERS ALONG THE BORDER IS SET SOON TO BE A THING OF THE PAST AS YOUNG FOLK EVERYWHERE GET UP ON THEM CREAMRY CANS-'WOBBLING',AS THE SONG GOES,'THAT WINGNUT AND WOMBAT THAT WICKERING!'
CRAZY!(Available only in plastic and download multy-half and a kick,http over sevenpence forward slash Henry.com)
CATHOLICS!Don't be left out of the party-buy ARCHDEACON BARNEY sings SIDNEY MC EWAN,all your old favourites("Marinus Maricanus","Diet Of Worms" and "Aye,Monstrance!")by special association with the Flatlake Festival.Also included:"Patsy Fargs Becomes Monsignor."(spoken word)
DON'T FORGET!
"Happy" Nudie Mulligan will be performing his hit 'Do Earwigs Dream Of Acoustic Ewes?' at the Feile Oriel campsite on Saturday.All welcome!
Fine Girl Ye Are!
Flatlake Swap 'N Trade Centre:Does anyone,by any chance,have a vinyl copy of the by now long deleted Deram POPS FOR PROTESTANTS album?That is to say the one with features local girl Mullie "Giddy Goat" Glin on the cover,looking resplendent in her striped bikini and parasol?This is a much-treasured rare rare item and includes such long-forgotten gems as Ikki Nikki Far Baluba by the Cookers and Last Night I Ate A Goosegog and By the Chocolate Spires Of Old Mandalay. That this is a very long shot indeed,we are well aware,but having already located Burl Ives Sings Calypso By Starlight In Cornabukta,as well as Say Hello To Buttcakes,a compilation of novelty songs about biscuits,we are more than hopeful that POPS FOR PROTESTANTS will come our way.Also being avidly searched for at the moment:I MARRIED A BREADBIN,another SEMI-FORGOTTEN GEM from the fifties. (Skite Records,NY Zip Code 2@&8.)
RIP TORN INCIDENT!
LEGENDARY HOLLYWOOD ACTOR DISSES FESTIVAL IN LOCAL PAPER:
Yes,the famed screen legend RIP TORN,following a most regrettable misunderstanding with the production office,in which he claimed his Brooke Bond tea was like something you'd expect to get in a gypsy camp,stormed off down the main avenue waving his fist,but not before threatening to 'tell all' to the Mountnugent Herald.Which he did-and it was with a heavy heart that organisers PAT MC CABE and KEVIN ALLEN opened the pages of their local read this morning to find the following:
"What I'd like to know is-who does Kevin 'Twin Town' Allen think he is dealing with?Does he not know that I have starred in over 250 pictures,scalped more injuns and busted up more bars than him or any of his so-called Flatlake desperadoes have ever dreamed of.Normally I am a patient man but after being left for over THREE MINUTES waiting for my cup of Brooke,I said to myself 'Rip this is the end of the line.' There's just no WAY I am going to take that doo doo.And I'll tell you something else-when I get back to Tinseltown there is gonna be one hell of a hoo-haa about this.I'm told they were hoping to get RED BUTTONS for this year also.Well,after this,rest assured,they're going to have a long wait.Flatlake?I spit on its grave!'
Following on from the success of our Flatlake "Ten Outstanding Irishmen" competetition we now announce the fabulous '10 Best Bits Of Irish Paper' competition.The contestants,chosen from a shortlist of 55-odd,are as follows:
1.Trigger Bar Wrapper.
2.Front page of Ireland's Own.
3.Corrugated cardboard lid.
4.Inside of fag packet.
5.Cellophane square.
6.Lined page of copybook.
7.Envelope.
8.Jaffa orange tissue(purple)
9.Card(as in Xmas or 'birthday')
10.Cheque(used or blank)
Lines open until 3.00 a.m.
Now look-I am as patient as any man but,having threatened to 'bust up'the festival last fear,Turkey Caldwell,I'm afraid,has been up to his tricks again.Having been overheard in a local hostelry professing himself 'delighted' that a team of gardeners 'off the television' were coming down to deliver a symposium on horticulture.
'That's great!',Caldwell is supposed to have brazenly chortled,'there's nothing I like better than having a good pish on a cabbage!'
There was a time in this country when such behaviour may have been tolerated.I'm sorry,Turkey-but you've gone and let yourself down again.
ASTONISHING REVELATIONS-FLATLAKE HOTLINE!
STOP PRESS:CURT JURGENS to star in film about the flatlake festival!So far none of this can be accurately confirmed but rumours are hot on the internatoional 'grapevine' that an announcement regarding the participation of legendary star JURGENS in a screen version of the life of KEVIN ALLEN,incorporating much footage of his work feeding pigs and sheep during his time on the flatlake festival,is now imminent.Even more mouth-watering is the prospect of ERICH VON DANIKEN'S niece AGNES being behind the camera on this one.AGNES,whose ace lensing work on such European art-house classics as 'The Bud','Dust' and The Occlusive Peregrimnations of Maximus Aardvark' have no need of introduction here.Rarely heard speaking of her relationship with her uncle-whose CHARIOTS OF THE GODS-was a seventies cult classic,AGNES is reported to have agreed to speak exclusively to the Flatlake Festival,and,however obliquely,apparently alluded to a photograph she has had in her possession since her childhood,depicting her uncle standing smiling in what appears to be outer space,in the company of a seven foot skinless being with protuberant eyes.This promises to be one to book for,Flakers-and early!
More FILM news as it happens!
LOST PROPERTY:
It has come to our attention that a can of alcoholic drink from last year's festival-regrettably empty,and unrecognisably twisted and bent out of shape-has been found in the vicinity of the rose garden.If possible,would the owner of this item please make him or herself known at the information caravan.Thank you.
Flatlake Swap 'N Trade Corner:Does anyone happen to have a copy of Nat Burg's 1968 album "Frogman Ceili" that they might be willing to trade for "Happy" Nudie Mulligan's "Do Earwigs Dream Of Acoustic Ewes?" Urgently required by avid collector,cash paid.Details at the information caravan.Also being sought:'I Shot President Kennedy",spoken word album by Lee Harvey Oswald,and 'Och,Moira M'biscakes!" by the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.
Yes,sadly there is always one.Just received at the information caravan desk this morning is this depressing communication from Jim Rockford's attorney:
"If you don't stop writing ridiculous nonsense about SEVENTIES DETECTIVES,might I suggest to you that you will be very sorry for ONE MORE MENTION of either me or MACMILLAN AND WIFE or BOSLEY out of CHARLEY'S ANGELS and,in spite of my reputation as all round good guy I will personally come around there and show you what a REAL LAKE looks like-and it won't be one that is FLAT or FULL OF WATER-no,because it will be a lake of BLOOD!
Hibner Hackett & Staircase
Attorneys acting on behalf of J Rockford
(Seventies Detective)
CELEBRITY NOTES:
Just a short note for Flatlake Celebrities-LADY GA GA and LILY ALLEN-if they happen to be reading this would Lily ever go out to the shop and ask the nice man behind the counter to retrieve her a copy of "GOLDEN LIGHTS" by the sixties one-hit wonder TWINKLE("Terry")which we here at the information caravan think might be very much suited to her voice,combining as it does the fragility of mortal youth with the fairy dust of hope and belief,and if she wants she could stick in a little bit of tinkly Emmanelle-style piano in there.O and if LADY GA GA is reading tell her I was standing behind her at the GAVIN FRIDAY birthday bash in CARNEGIE HALL and thought she was a very nice person.And I was very taken with her old-style rendition of POKER FACE.Does Lady Ga Ga like any FRANKIE MC BRIDE tunes?The Captain heartily recommends FIVE LITTLE FINGERS.Stay tuned,celebs!
"Just writing to say how much I am enjoying Hoof Gurk's latest book 'THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS'-is it true he's going to be reading at the festival?
Lady Ga Ga,Los Angeles.
"Jim Rockford does number two's in his trousers."
Information Caravan Staff
FLATLAKE RACIST SLUR
APOLOGY
On behalf of The Flatlake Festival we would like to unreservedly apologise for the RACIST SLUR which,it has come to our attention,was perpetrated within the grounds of Hilton Park last year.The circumstances of the regrettable incident were as follows-one of our 'fans'-or 'Flakers' as they are now called-having imbibed perhaps a tad more intoxicating liquor than he ought to,for no apparent reason leaped out of a tree,and having grabbed on to a perfectly innocent patron(who at the time was humming along to Phil Franco)the song in question was Frank Sinatra's "Strangers In the Night" and began to shout and squeal:Why don't you go back to Newtownbutler you bake-faced turnip?'
It has since been brought to our attention that the innocent party in this regrettable incident-a Mr Gilly Hairpin-does,in fact,not come from Newtownbutler and has lived in the Magheraveely area all his life.
If there is a repeat of his behaviour,Fonsey Gurgle will be banned from the festival and we will have no option but to report him to the Racial Equality and Equal opportunities Commission-I'm sorry,Fonsey,but that's the way it goes,whether you've been 'cutting bushes about Hilton for years' or not.End of post.
Once again we apologise for this uncalled-for invasion of the privacy of an entirely blameless individual.
small people quiz to follow:
FLATLAKE INAUGURAL FILM QUIZ,IN CONJUNCTION WITH CLONES FILM FESTIVAL:
If you know which TV and screen actor is bigger(i:e,taller)-
a)Alan Ladd(Shane,Farewell My Lovely)
or
b)Charley Varrick(Charley Varrick)
then call Matthew on the hotline now!(0908 6T5FF978,calls cost 89c per minute,fifty times that after 11.)
Dear Flatlake:You don't know me but my name is Bunlitt Hazbury-Tewkes and I attended your festival last year and enjoyed it very much and was pleased to include my appraisal of it in my book of collected reviews,entitled 'Tewkes Ruminates'.But to come to the point.In the course of my contemplations-not to mention my carousings,over which we shall of necessity draw a decorous veil-I unfortunately mislaid my treasured green tweed hat.Have any of your cleaning-up people found it by any chance?I do hope so.It has a green feather in the band.here's looking forward to another 'crazy crazy fest' again this year,Flatlakers.Thank you,B.Hazbury-Tewkes,'Tranquillity Hall'.Cornabookie.
Hi!If any 'Flakers'(New name for Flatlake fans)know of anyone in the Monaghan/Cavan district with healing powers,could they please put them in contact with:
Alderman Josie Ginnet
"The Leper Colony"
Cornaboney P.O
Cornaboney
Newbliss.
Many thanks.
A lot of Flakers have been ringing in complaining that their vote in the ten best Irishmen competition is not being registered.This is because we have had some minor technical problems which have now been rectified.So,if you wish to vote in the 10 best Irishmen comp.,just click on 'Clickety' 123,and add 37 over six @...com/http forward slash vobiscum and-you're THERE!
Sadly,just received by e-mail at the Flatlake Production Office:
"Gilly Hairpin is a Newtown scutbag!"
Fonsey Gurgle.
Have you voted for Flatlake/Weemen Weekly's TEN most famous Irishmen yet?You have onle THREE days in which to do so.Here is the list so far:
1.Stephen Gately
2.
3.Craig Doyle
4.Eamon De Valera
5.Brendan O Connor
6.WB Yeats
7.Rowan Hamilton
8.Jiminy Cricket
9.Paddy Reilly(from Ballyjamesduff)
10.Michael Collins
GET VOTING,FLAKERS!
Tuesday Weld joins Flatlake's fab! magazine WEEMEN WEEKLY:
'Have you any superstitions?',Tuesday writes,I asked Bobby Darin recently,'None at all'he replied,I used to have one,though.Before every performance I would shake hands with my drummer.giving him a real steely handshake and a smile.But then one night just as I was doing it,I neglected to hear a stagehand cry:'Look out!' and because of that a one and a half-ton Steinway piano fell on my head.So,as you can imagine,Tuesday,no more superstitions for me!'
Next week in Weemen Weekly:Tuesday writes on 'the modern girl'-the 'It' girl with her eye on poledancing as a means of empowerment,whose heorine is JORDAN and whose dream is a year long subscription to OK! magazine.See you then,girls!
Flatlake Swap 'n Trade service-has anyone by any chance got a (rare)copy of 'Elvis At 50,000 fathoms?'-the only underwater LP recorded by the king?If you do could you make yourself known at the Information caravan.Afficionados of 'Le Roi' will be aware that the artwork was done by none other than-yes,Jacques Cousteau.
Also being searched for:Gordon Jackson's(out of 'The Professionals' and 'Upstairs Downstairs')Easy Listening At The North Pole.
FIRST FLATLAKE LITERARY QUIZ:WHICH FAMOUS SEVENTIES 'LAUGH-A MINUTE-' SCREEN CHARACTER,NOTED FOR WASHING WINDOWS AND PLAYING IN POP BANDS,HAS THE EXACT SAME CHRISTIAN NAME AS OUR STAR SCRIBE At THIS YEAR'S FESTIVAL?
ANSWER:TIMOTHY LEA(EXACT SAME AS TIMOTHY O GRADY,AUTHOR OF "MOTHERLAND" AND "I COULD READ THE SKY" AS WELL AS MANY OTHER MARVELLOUS WORKS,INCLUDING A TRAVELOGUE OF THE US ENTITLED 'DIVINE MAGNETIC LANDS.'
LONELINESS OF LEPERS VS.THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS-which do YOU think is the greatest Irish novel ever?If you think "LONELINESS" then call 089788908(50c per min.)If you think "NOSINESS" then contact 08987895(same tariff)-don't hesitate,call now!Lines open until 8pm.
FLATLAKE literary funeral notes:
'The removal of Pads' Hogan(author of many highly-regarded novels about lepers)remains will take place from St Aine's Church,Shroid,at 6pm sharp tomorrorow(Thursday)evening.All scribes attending ought to note:tweed hats oblligatory.Ar dheis De go raibh a anam.'
EXCERPTS FROM THE LIFE OF STUGLET HANAFY,COMEDY-TERRORIST.
WAITER;Would you like still or sparkling,Mr Hanafy?
STUGLET:Still,please.I used to be a crazy alcoholic in the eighties.One night I had THREE bottles of Harp.
WAITER:Very well sir.
STUGLET:Thank you,waiter.Have you ever noticed-..?
WAITER:Sorry sir I have to go.
(more excerpts from the crazy life of Stuglet next week.'I did a day's a work' and 'Look at my tumour-its not so funny now!'
POETRY CORNER:
"Tyger tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night.."
Fonsey Gurgle
RESULTS JUST IN OF THE COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP:
SONS OF LEE HARVEY OSWALD-TEN GOALS AND FOUR POINTS
JFK'S,DRUMHOWAN-2 POINTS.
NB:Googie Handbag writes to say:'I have just-in the course of my work-been perusing your 'website' and I am moved to inform you that in all of my years as an arts journalist and book-reviewer of some considerable reputation I have yet to encopunter such opinionated twaddle and childish adolescent nonsense in all my life.What is all this idiocy about THE LONELINESS OF LEPERS and THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS?Do you take your readers for fools or what?Listen,whatever you think-we KNOW there are no such novels,and thankfully books with such immature and frankly unrealistic titles are unlikely ever to be written.A fact regarding which I,for one,am grateful.Do you that I am an authority on Samuel Beckett and that,to date,I have myself penned over 1100000076 reviews for various newspapers and periodicals?I am also on the judging panel of FOUR real literary competitions,unlike your laughable made up ones.I am also working on a poem about flies and a failed relationship.
HELP!CAN ANY 'LITERARY TYPES' be of assistance?WHAT'S THIS YOU CALL THAT FRENCH BOOK BY YOUR MAN-'REMEMBRANCE OF...'-WAS THAT IT?OR 'EVENTS NOT HAPPENING TODAY AT ALL' OR 'IT'S ALL OVER'.FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER.ALL I KNOW IS IT WAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH CAKES.PLEASE HELP,FLATLAKE TYPES.AND SEND WHAT YOU THINK IT IS TO ME AT THE BARN,TUCKED IN AT THE BACK THERE BEHIND ALL THE MAIN ACTION.
SPROUT-WAS THAT HIS NAME?MARCUS SPROUT?SPROUTUS MARK?
No it wasn't that.
Damn!
I'm letting the literary side of the festival down.I'll have to buck up or we'll be in disgrace.
WRITERS!WIN A TWEED HAT!
Aspiring writers need look no further if a fisherman-style tweed hat with a feather is what they are after.Flatlake Fiction Dept. have three of these to give away,for all young(and old)would-be writers to pop on whenever the mood takes them to leave the house after a prolonged bout of penmanship,to 'take the air.' This Flatlake once-off could be yours if you can answer the following questions and send your reply to:TWEED HAT COMPETITION,THE BUTTY BARN,HILTON.
@)Is it 'Flatlake' or 'Flatlakes?' and
b)Where is Krakatoa?
So get guessing,aspirant scribes!The winners wi be announced at a gala presentation near a neat pile of dung in the lower yard not far from the actual 'flat' lake itself.
LOCAL CLAIRVOYANT PREDICTS FLATLAKE DISASTER:
(From The Hilton Intelligencer)
"Clones Seer Mickle Hoogan said yesterday that not only was Hilton and The Flatlake festival in general going to be drowned in at least 2000 tons of pish but that irate modern-type feminists had prepared contingency arrangements to storm the grounds on Sunday afternoon just when the feminist debate was at its height and see to it that Messrs Allen and Mc Cabe and Gallagher too,if he's around,got just what is coming to them for saying that seventies trail-blazers had somehow mysteriously disappeared except to be seen on self-serving television feature programmes.Rumours have it that their intention is to beat the organisers severely over the head with what they describe as 'empowering' lapdance poles and pictures of Jordan,whom they describe as a model of everything they stood for 'way back then',and when they have done that they are all going to sit around looking at Sex And The City and talking about how great it is and how great they are.So watch out,Flatlake!For a welt of a pole is coming your way!From the new,improved feminist 21st century girlies!
MACMILLAN NOT COMING EITHER!No,seventies road cop CULT FAVOURITE 'MACMILLAN' out of MACMILLAN AND WIFE WILL be unable to make Flatlake either,as he has sadly fallen through a crack in the floor.
***********
SEVENTIES ASSASSIN CANCELS FLATLAKE APPEARANCE-yes,regrettably,seventies CROP DUSTER AND SOMETIME BANK-ROBBER CHARLEY VARRICK(WALTER MATTHAU) WILL BE UNABLE TO MAKE HIS SCHEDULED APPEARANCE ON THE SCANBITZ STAGE(JUST BEFORE CALFSHED)AS HE HAS UNFORTUNATELY BEEN BUSTED BY 'THE FUZZ' IN ARIZONA.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,FLATLAKERS,BUT BY WAY OF SUBSTITUTE WE HAVE ALREADY BEEN ON TO CHARLIE BRONSON'S PEOPLE AND WITH A BIT OF LUCK CHARLIE 'THE MECHANIC' WILL COME INSTEAD-IF 'THE HEAT' ARE NOT ONTO HIM,IN PHOENIX OR SOMEPLACE HA HA!
ANNOUNCEMENT OF FLATLAKE LITERARY DEBATE:ARE THERE ENOUGH LEPERS IN MODERN IRISH FICTION?CAST YOUR VOTE BY LOGGING ONTO OUR WEBSITE AT www.%4over6x^%$ or calling matthew on the hotline at 3£%!
Cast it now-also taking votes at leperline.com/fiction/http.
Googie Handbag writes to say:'Not that it is worth my time or anyone else's but I have just discovered yet another mistake on your so-called 'website.' The author of 'Tyger Tyger'was not FONSEY GURGLE,your local self-styled beatnik and desperado-poet but,in fact,the celebrated literary English genius WILLIAM BLAKE.If you had gone to college,of course,like me,you'd know that.'
G.Handbag
(Authoress of 'Flies' and 'Work In Progress.')
ASTONISHING DEVELOPMENTS IN THE LITERARY WORLD!WE HAVE JUST HEARD THAT "THE LONELINESS OF LEPERS"(NOT BY HOOF GURK)HAS JUST BEEN SHORTLISTED FOR THE ANNUAL MULLAHORAN CREAMERY CO-OP FICTION PRIZE AND NOW STANDS POISED TO SCOOP THE FIFTEEN SHILLINGS AND CRYSTAL VASE OVERALL PRIZE.WHICH PLEASES US GREATLY HERE AT THE BUTTY VAN BECAUSE ON REVIEWING IT LAST YEAR AFTER A FEW PINTS WE SAW FIT TO AWARD IT TWENTY-FIVE STARS.SO WELL DONE,PADS HOGAN,DESCRIBED BY THE FAR EAST MAGAZINE AS A 'CHALLENGING' NEW VOICE IN IRISH WRITING.AND AN APPRAISAL WHICH WE APPLAUD.AFTER,HOW MANY LEPERS CAN YOU NAME IN IRISH FICTION?FATHER DAMIAN DOES HE COUNT?I DON'T THINK SO-HE'S A PRIEST NOT A REAL LEPER AS HE INFLICTED THE AILMENT ON HIMSELF.
A journalist calls to inquire:'When you are asked about Flatlake,what is the first thing that springs to mind?In otherwords,how would you best define the 'essence' of Flatlake?'
I do not need to hesitate and immediately I respond,knowing that I speak also for Kevin(the real organiser of the festival)and Matthew when I say:
'When I think of Flatlake,I think most of all of the lowing of cattle beyond the hedgerows in Drum,the to and fro of lorries on the Monaghan-Cavan road,the sipping of porter in quiet bars at evening,a love of flowers,addivtion to hobbies,and old maids bicycling to Holy Communion through the mists of Autumn morning.But most of all,of Crystal Swing as they perform the Hucklebuck to bales of hay in the barn at evening,before drinking tequila and belting out all kinds of filth and dirt in Spanish.'
O-AND LILY ALLEN'S BIG BOOTS AND SLICED-UP SKIRT LIKE THE BEANSTALK GIANT HAS GONE MAD WITH THE SECATEURS,SADLY WREAKING HAVOC AT THE ANNUAL SCHOOL PANTO.
_______________________________________________________________________
I didn't want to say anything about it until now-not wanting to bore Flatlakers with endless details of paperwork,the vagaries of agents etc. but I am now at last at liberty to offically reveal that STUGLET HANAFY,star of the 1998 Edinburgh Fringe and outright winner of the Erne Minerals Comedy Award has confirmed that he will be driving his scooter to Flatlake and entertaining all Butty-ites with his taboo-busting jokes about cripples and deaf-mutes.What a kickass cutlure warrior is Stuglet.Why I nearly snorted out my pancreas when I heard him tell-yet again!-his great one about the tramp who fell into the mincer in Bradford.'Have you ever noticed?' chuckled Stuglet,'the way tramps squeal when they are minced?What's that all about,eh?I couldn't tell you,Stuglet,because I'm too stupid but no doubt all your mineral-water quaffing pals will be able to as you have them rolling about the aisles with tears splashing from their peepers,just before they grow up and start complaining about the standard of local schools,and of course deciding that 'that's going a bit too far!'
See you soon in The Butty Barn,Stuggers!
And now-The Question Markers!
I can tell you this-I know that the next bit of news that I have for you you are going to put down as an absolute joke-the irony being that it isn't!No it's no joke at all that TIMOTHY O GRADY,author of MOTHERLAND and star of Flatlake 2007 is back on the bill and will be reading from his new novel-you're not going to believe what it's called:MONAGHAN!
Can you believe it?The Farneymen do it again.
My own next book is entitled CAVAN.
Now that IS a joke.
Looking forward to seeing TIMOTHY back in the barn!
The other hot news in the trade (although not as yet confirmed)is the news that MEMOIRS OF ST MUNCHEN'S,a scintillating bildungsroman authored by one of Kevin's best pals and begun late at night in The Butty Barn last year has been optioned by none less than Cy Tuborg,one of the most influential producers working right now in Hollywood.Cy's credits include BUSTED TYRES,ONE NIGHT IN HONOLULU and PJ PROBY-the biopic and he is reportedly 'very excited' about this taboo-busting tale of awakening sexuality,lost football socks and Benediction every five minutes for five years.More hot Hollywood news as we receive it.And once again well done to Kevin's friends from England.O and we're sorry that Eire didn't fight in the war.(Ha ha-joke!)
PADS HOGAN FOUND DEAD!Yes,sadly,the great white hope of Irish fiction,author of THE LONELINESS OF LEPERS has,regrettably been found dead in the rain barrel at the back of Hilton.Thus is a promising literary career unhappily truncated.And it's not good for lepers either,so cruelly does it dash their burgeoning hopes.But it will not affect our fiction-leper quiz:have you cast your vote?Then do so now at Leperline.comhttp./oversixpebce/ll£!
LEPERS-have your say!In spirte of the death of your champion 'dead' PADS HOGAN!
Audie Murphy,famous air ace and actor,has agreed to land his plane(a 1948 twin engine Dakota)on the field just outside Hilton where Aidan Coleman used to play.isn't that just fantastic?Flatlake goes from strength to strength.
GEORGE LAZENBY AGREES TO APPEAR AT FLAKLAKE!YES,THE BEST BUT SADLY FORGOTTEN JAMES BOND OF ALL HAS KINDLY AGREED TO-NO,SORRY,HE HASN'T,IT'S JUST MORE LIES.
FROM THE MOUNTNUGENT HERALD,MAY 1:
"All eyes will be on The Flatlake Festival this coming June 4-6 when the inaugural "SEVENTIES ASSASSIN OF THE YEAR" ,at which,or so the rumour mill has it,appearances by no less personages as WALTER MATTHAU(Charley Varrick)JOE DON BAKER("MOLLY")and SCORPIO out of DIRTY HARRY are scheduled to delight patrons.Also slotted although not yet confirmed is JIM ROCKFORD,although he will have to GET SOMEONE TO MIND HIS caravan.I hope he comes.I also hope KARL MALDEN does but he won't because he was BLOWN AWAY on the STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO some years ago ha ha!More 'Assassin' news as it breaks.
NEWS!!!
Just landed on Kevin's desk is the fabulous news that THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS by HOOF GURK has beaten off all opposition and now goes into the final for the novel of the year in the BUXTERPARPAR BAKING SODA FICTION PRIZE,in which it is hotly tipped to beat not only THE MYSTERY OF HENS by Tom Krik but also THE HAIRINESS OF BUMBLE BEES by up and coming writer and feminist CLARA BUXTON(in Irish Clara Ni Wuckston)-we here at The Butty Barn cannot conceal our excitement,especially since Hoof near miss last year with THE FLUFFINESS OF SNOW.Roll on September,Hoof,and get that jacket out for the grand presentation of prizes in Newbliss Parish Hall.
Messrs.Allen and Mc Cabe-(so-called Captain Butty,that is!)-
I would like to take this opportunity to register my disapproval and great displeasure at some of the opinions voiced at the GREAT FLATLAKE FEMINIST DEBATE-I thought that we had grown out of all that.However,clearly not.Whether it has taken place as yet or not is,quite frankly,of no interest to me or Bualachas,my cat.
Yours etc
Aine Sciob,woman and owner of Bualachas,West Cork
JACQUES COUSTEAU?Who on earth wants to see him?What happened to RONNIE CORBETT,or for that matter ROBIN ASKWITH,celebrated star of THE FOUR DIMENSIONS OF GRETA.As far as I am concerned the so-called 'flatlakes' HAS ALREADY GONE DOWN THE TUBES.
(You should of been there the first year-it was great)
ERRATUM!
Shockingly,it has just come to our notice that the entries in the Annual Flatlake Memoir Competition have somehow been inadvertently been mislaid and so we have no choice but to award first prize to a friend of Kevin's from England who,although he never went to St Munchen's College,without demur sat down at his computer and tapped us up this mighty first draft which has been awarded the fifrst Flatlake Memoir prize.You can download MEMOIRS OF ST MUNCHEN'S at www.halfasixepnce,alsvojlic,over 7&4 or just ring me or Kevin.So well done,Nick Bunkett of Notting Hill.Here's an excerpt:
"As I sit here alone in the quiet of the Big Study,watching the last golden slabs of evening light as they fall on the weathered oak of these ancient desks which have seen so many scholars like myself resting here as we dream of girls with crisp white blouses and how we would love to run away across the landscape of the little hills with their fresh forms decked around our great fat necks like scarves,it occurs to me how many years have passed since I first entered the portals of St Munchen's,to my surprise havong my arse kicked into my neck by none other than Choobs Mc Gurk,who is now President Of Washcorp International,an appointment of which the college is very proud.As I was too,as I closed the big study door ever so gently behind me,anticipating a committed perusal of my stack ofmagazines,strategically placed beneath the dormitory lockers,just as soon as night prayer had been satisfactorily concluded.'
Further excerpts from memoirs of ST MUNCHEN'S to be posted throughout the festival.Tomorrow:'The Strange Case Of The Missing Football Socks.'
Sadly,this comunication has just reached the Information caravan:
'I think all the people taking part in the feminist debate are a disgrace to their gender.They should all be at home watching
I am delighted to be able to announce that HOOF GURK,star turn of the first FLATLAKE has been annnounced the winner of the inagural Boyce's Concrete Annual Fiction award for his first novel THE NOSINESS OF PROTESTANTS,from which he will be reading at this year's festival.It's an honour to have you,Hoof!
"The Nosiness Of Protestants is the finest debut by a writer with a tweed hat since Ernest Hemmingway,or indeed before.More please,Mr Gurk.'
The Mountnugent Herald
NEWS JUST IN!
There was all sorts of fun to be had at The Threemilehouse Fair in 1958 with haystacks and water slides for all the kiddies and magnificent entertainment provided in the main tent by Pat Scud and his fabulous Jumpenaires Orchestra-but rest assured was nothing to what The Flatlake Festival has in store for all you haymaking fun-loving literary types this coming June 4.Just confirmed on the bill-the one and only TIMMY LEA out of the sevnties 'Confessions'-book series and JOE HAWKINS out of SUEDEHEAD.(RIHARD ALLEN PUB.1978)Just kidding,you know what us Flatlake silly old playactors are like!Also we are tallking to the three remaining members of 'I Can't Give You Anything But My Love' Stylistics.No we're not-that's a joke too!Because they didn't give us a 'Christmas drink' when we were in their bar in L.A scouting for 'Flatlake talent.'So go on then,stick it Stylistics,go on on Top Of The Pops or 'In LA To-Nite!' or some of them type programmes for it will be a long wait before you get on The Flatlake bill again,at which The Swarbriggs will be playing and they will blow you and your likes from here to the back end of Spokane-ha ha luck at their auld faces!
BACK IN THE BARN NEWS!
SAY HELLO TO CAPTAIN BUTTY-!!!!!!!!!!
Ah boys but its great to be back here in the old barn says Captain Butty its way too scary out there in the field and what a literary lineup we have this year- ANNE ENRIGHT,TIMOTHY O GRADY,LOUIS DE PAOR,MIKE MC CORMACK,EOIN MC NAMEE,SIOFRA O DONOVAN,ED O LOUGHLIN,DECLAN BURKE,TIFFANY MURRAY-and a whole host of surprises.EOIN has a new book out.He'll be reading from that.Its called ORCHID BLUE.I think maybe it's gonna be the best year yet.Especially when JACQUES COUSTEAU(whose yet to be written autobiography 'Gurgle!' has reportedly fetched a five figure sum from Gollincks and Hapsburg)has just confirmed that he will do his best to come,RIP or not.
'I hope its not like last year when it rained 2000 tons of pish'-Sacred Heart Messenger.
Just to make DOMINIC WEST out of Just to make DOMINIC WEST out of THE WIRE feel good we went off there to see if we could ask the fat fellow off LOST to drop by THE FLATLAKE,maybe to read some poems or just to conduct an acting MASTERCLASS-but we couldn't find it,the island I mean.But on the way who should we meet only the legendary undersea cameraman and documentary maker JACQUES COUSTEAU who very kindly,schedule permitting,agreed to pop by Hilton June 4.And they say that the French are a shower of unobliging beggars?What nonsense!Quel excitement dans le Flatlake apres this-did you ever see those foot-long pink things with the prongs that he photographs?I wouldn't fancy one of them clamping onto my doodlers!Anyway we're all delighted about this latest,I suppose,'maritime' development.The Flatlake legend,now sprinkled with Atlantic seawater,continues apace.Yes,it's JAWS meets CRYSTAL SWING,my friends,with LILY ALLEN wearing one of them skyblue sliced-up skirts and BIG BOOTS,and her set delivered at 20,000 fathoms.I wonder how many stars SIMON COWELL will give it?Send your estimate to Jonah Bloggs,Whale's Mickey,Newtown.
