A hot new addition to the flatlake farm has materialised in the form of compadre Clarke 'Don Pedro' Gable. The one time king of hollywood has cast aside plush lifestyle to ride the open road in the Monaghan outback on his trusty steed, cola the donkey.
With 45 fixed in his holster and a black stetson shadowing his gaze, we approached the sullen mister Gable with some hesitation. When we asked Mr.Gable what he made of the Flatlake festivies he replied,
"You know ese, frankly Don Pedro don't give a damned donkey sheeet."
REVIEW FROM 'SIGHT AND SOUNDINGS',FLATLAKE ART DEPARTMENT.
ANGELA'S ASHES,DIRECTED BY ALAN PARKER.
'Did you ever see so much pish coming out of the heavens in all your living days?'
T.W.O'Snodgrasaithe,head critic.
WHAT MILLION-YEAR-OLD FLESH-EATING MARINE CREATURES WHO WILL NOT BE COMING TO THE FESTIVAL AT HILTON THIS YEAR?
1)IT' OUT OF 'IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA',2.'JAWS' OUT OF JAWSES 1,2 AND 3,AND 3.'ORCA' OUT OF 'ORCA,KILLER WHALE' STARRING 'OUR OWN' RICHARD HARRIS.
FOOTNOTE:''IT' IS IN FACT AN IRRADIDATED MUTATED GIANT OCTOPUS,THE UNFORTUNATE VICTIM OF A DEVASTATING NUCLEAR ACCIDENT.
W.T.GOLDBERG,THREEMILEHOUSE MARINE BIOLOGY RESEARCH UNIT.
MRS MILLS NOT COMING
Look,the last thing as co-curator of The Flatlake Festival that I want to be is irksome or truculent or downright bad-mannered but I feel I really have to make this clear-that,in spite of recurrent and quite insubstantial rumours in the salacious redtops and,indeed,in organs closer to home such as The Drum Gazette and Threemilehouse Intelligencer,the popular pianist and singer Mrs Mills will not be travelling to the festival.So please please please do not keep on stopping me in Fermanagh Street asking:'Is it true that the world-famous chanter of 'Burlington Bertie From Bow','Who Put The Overalls in Mrs Murphy's Chowder?' and 'I Love Paris' is on her way to glorious Hilton,in Monaghan?Because you are hearing it here for the last time-she isn't.
David cassidy is,though.
HA HA-no he's not!Codded youse,didn't I?I'm an awful kidder so I am.
_________________________________________________
CLINT EASTWOOD ON FLATLAKE:'I really enjoyed it last year so I did.'TUCO out of THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY:'Some festivals I say are good,some festivals I say are speshul but because BLONDIE say he like ze FLATLAKE,I say it ees ze festival of a thousand peegs!'
A woman from Clontarf has just been on the phcone inquiring what famous animals -if any-might be coming to the festival?Well I am happy to be able to confirm that three-yes,three no less!-have just this minute signed off on their commitment to appearing.They are 1.Benji,out of Benji the film 2.Digby,out of 'Digby The Biggest Dog In The World and 3.Old Tadhg,out of the 1965 Jim Reeves song.Regrettably,as might be expected,Old Shep,as immortalised by E.Presley,will not be in attendance as,heartbreakingly,he has become a permanent home for earhworms and assorted maggots.
STOP PRESS!!!Do you remember The Congregation,whose hit 'Softly Whispering I Love You' raced to number five in the charts in 1971?You do?Well,they've just been on the blower to confirm-and they're not coming!
Other acts expected not to come include The Clancy Brothers,Des Dekker and that great old festival reliable,Bernard Cribbins('Right Said Fred'.)
IRVINE WELSH NEWS-IRVINE CAN'T COME BECAUSE HE WILL BE IN MIAMI!IT'S TRUE AND WE'RE SAD!
literary corner
hotly tipped for the currin buckrake literary award 2009-'Fountain Of Fucks' by our very own Hoof Gurk,winner of last year's X tractor haiku section-all of the parish is with you hoof!
JACK LYNCH NEWS!Yes,not the former Taoiseach is appearing at Flatlake!Did you ever hear of Jack?Boy does he tell some stories about Cavan and all the people in it.For my money JACK LYNCH may prove to be the hit of the festival.What Cavan people does he tell stories about?Fellows called PV and Con.Mostly funny lads with odd ways of apprehending the cosmos.So well done,former not-taoiseach and the county of Cavan!Also a possible hit is THE CRIME HEIST,with all the criminables being 'busted' by Sgt.Eoin Mc Namee Declan Hughes Declan Burke and Brian Mc Gillowray.Get busted with Flatlake Crime Bonanza!
SOCK BOY NEWS-WHO IS 'SOCK BOY?' IT MAY SOUND LIKE A SILLY IMMATURE 'JOKE'-BUT JUST YOUSE WAIT!WATCH OUT,3D IMAX-TYPE ANTHROPOMORPHIC CREATIONS FROM AMERICA-FOR 'SOCK BOY' IS COMING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
SENSATIONAL LAUNCH OF FLATLAKE!!!!
Were you ever in Dublin?What a place!Wasn't I there myself only last July 3-and what for?the launch of this year's fest. in The Odessa Club sponsored by The Dubliner mag.It was there that I introduced the fabulous SOCK BOY to a general audience.Stay tuned!
I don't want to raise peoples' hope unexpectedly but there is now a strong possibility that Cornelius 'Corny' Hendrix,brother of the legendary Monterey 'axeman' may be in a position to come to your famous festival.Kevin has been to see him in Mountenugent where he raises hens 'in secret.' So-fingers crossed!
JOHN KONGOS SENSATION! Latest news on the 'John Kongos' situation is that he is definitely-yes definitely!-aseriously considering coming over to Monaghan for 'The Flatlakes' as I notice everyone is now calling it.The fabbo singe JOHN KNOGOS has specific connotations for The Captain as he first heard him sing in Cavan Sports centre in late 1972 when,in fact,as his most well-known hit 'HE'S GONNA STEP ON YOU AGAIN',which reached number 5 in the charts,was proven very prescient indeed when a roughneck ype-having,in fact stepped on the Captain's head once already,gloweringly threatened to do it again.if 'more cheek' was forthcoming.Which,regrettably perhaps,it was.After which 'two steps'-forcible and ungracious are remembered.So its quite a coincidence that JOHN KNOGOS is considering coming over-on the very anniversary of that self-same incident.Happily now I am fully recovered.John's other hit was not quite such a success-perhpas because all in all,it was the very same song over again. David Essex is not touring this season but could be coaxed over for about seveny five Euro... Slade doing a tour of german 'holiday' camps but their manager, is looking into ferry times ... Mrs Mills died in 1978... Dorothy Squires in 1998 ... ....twiggy still hasn't returned my call ... Ronnie Corbett????? The best news yet is that Charles Lamb('Diserrtation on Roast Pig'' and other prose masterpieces has just phoned the Flatlake office and has confirmed that,yes-he will be serving pints behind the bar-=the cheapest festival bar in Ireland!Next year Robert Louis "Walking Tours' Stevenson will be doing card tricks.What more do youse want?I just can't wait for Flatlake this year-there will be a special 'prose' hour on Radio Butty,with such hits as On reading' by John Ruskin and 'Memoirs Of A Superanannuated Man' by Fudds Cribbley.More evidence,if it were needed,that Flatlake is just so far ahead of all these other festivals where they think they're cool if they wear a spotty handkerchief on their heads. have been on the phone to Reg Varney's agent who says Mr Varney would love to have done the flat lake if he was still alive ... shall I look into Lulu? .... or Rod Hull? or what about Leutenant pigeon ? Porky the Pig doesn't fancy the spit this year so has pulled out and is doing a reading at the electric picnic instead ... shall i look into larry the lamb... ? up yours Mr Saucy LATEST FLATLAKE FILM 'PITCH.' (For 'Jaws' 8) A man walks into the Gala shop and what does he see only a shiny large fish standing behind the counter with two rows of razor sharp teeth.He is about to run out and cry in terror when the 'fish' removes bioth its head mask and dorsal fin and,to his immense relief,'the 'man' hears: -Ha ha!It's only me! As Hughie Mc Geeney,the postman from Corduff,spreads his amusing hands on the counter. (This concludes the latest Flatlake 'fim' pitch.More next week with 'The Terminator' in Monaghan Spar.) CONTINUING AS WE SPEAK,NEGOTIATIONS WITH THE LEGENDARY DES O' CONNOR WHOSE HITS OVER THE YEARS INCLUDE 'I PRETEND' ,'THE LITTLE WORN-OUT SHOE' AND 'SIXPENCE WORTH OF NINEPENCE'(DUET WITH SELWYN FROGGATT)AND WHO,OR SO WE HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE IS A LONGSTANDING FAN OF FLATLAKE.AS IT STANDS IF WE CAN COME UP WITH 25 STG. HE WILL SERIOUSLY THINK OF COMING OVER IN A BUS-HE IS ESPECIALLY A FAN OF ZBIGNIERT ZLAVNIEVEW THE POLISH VERSIFIER AND WILL BE READING FROM SOME OF HIS OWN TRANSLATIONS,THIS FOR ME IS A MUST!MORE 'DES' NEWS AS IT DEVELOPS.O AND ALSO-ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK,YOU MAY REMEMBER THERE WAS TALK OF HIM COMING.SADLY THAT IS ALL IT AMOUNTED TO IN THE END,AS HE IS PLAYING THE SILVER SLIPPER IN STRANDHILL THE SAME WEEKEND.ANY CHANCE OF PETERS AND LEE?MAYBE.WATCH THIS SPACE.CHECKING OUT FOR NOW,FLATLAKERS. THE CAPTAIN.THE MASK says-'beware!'
O does he now-well the organisers of the flatlake festival answer in reply-do your damnedest,Mask!For we shall remain undaunted in the face of your worst threats-are you listening,Mask?Go and eff yourself you humpy-looking shitehawk you and your stump of a pencil for if you think you can scare us,well I'm afraid you are not much of a saboteur.To hell with you and the jennet you rode in on!
JUST WHO IS 'THE MASK'?
REGRETTABLY,THE FOLLOWING E-MAIL WAS RECEIVED BY THE FLATLAKE ADMINISTRATION OFFICE AS LATE AS LAST EVENING-BUT IF THESE 'EVIL MEN' THINK THEY CAN PUT US OFF WITH THEIR THREATS THEN BY GOD THEY DON'T KNOW THE ORGANISERS OF IRELAND'S GREATEST FESTIVAL.ALL THE SAME,IT'S SAD IN THIS DAY AND AGE THAT SUCH THOUGHTS SHOULD ENTER ONE'S MIND-HERE IS THE ENTIRE TEXT: deer flatlake festuval orgnisers espeshul kevin allen who cum from england if u now what is gude for you u will send us free tkts for yure stupid festvila and see that it dusnt rain becos if it does you wil never see ur dog pongo again do not ignore this msg did you ever see the fillum where he has to run thru the streets and snqer all thesc fones saying where to put the money well that will be u and so called 'captain' butty what is not aq capatain at all fur we know we seen him on fermanagh street who gif youpermishn annyway to have festival-but send tkts and all wil be ok-but if not pongo die.ha ha ha ha ha ha aha! sined 'the mask' WEST COAST AND 'POP ' NEWSJANIS JOPLIN-WHAT A SINGER,EH?BUT WHO WILL NOT BE APPEARING AT THE FESTIVAL ASHE SADLY IS R.I.P.UNLIKE BREEGE JOPLIN FROM NEWTOWNBUTLER WHOSE VERSION OF 'I GOT THEM OLD KOZMIC BLUES AGAIN MAMA' HAS TO BE HEARD TO BE BELIEVED.HEAR BREEGE SING IT EVERY WEEKEND AT THE STEP DOWN INN DOOHAMLET EVERY WEEKEND AND AT THE FABULOUS FLATLAKE LITERARY AND ARTS FESTIVAL.SUPPORTED BY TOM AND THE CREAMERY CANS.
'THERE HAS BEEN MUCH DEBATE REGARDING THE 'REG VARNEY' FOUNDATION-IS IT REAL SOME FLATLAKERS ARE ASKING-BUT MUST NOT BE CONFUSED WITH THE 'ROBIN ASKWITH INSTITUTE',OF WHICH MORE LATER.'THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A HANDYMAN' I HAVE ALWAYS VIEWED AS A KIND OF BRITISH 'CHACUN DES MESSIERS' OF THE EARLY TO MID SEVENTIES,AND ROBIN ASKWITH AS THE UK BASTARD CHILD OF BELMONDO AND LINO VENTURA.THAT'S IF HE'S IN IT BECAUSE IM NOT SURE-I ALWAYS GET THEM MIXED UP.'
ned O'leary sight and sound
OVERHEARD LATELY 'Kevin is a grand fellow-I'd like to seem him doing well.'
10/06/2009 01:01:00 PM
Also:'Festival of fuckers if you ask me!'
A regrettable incident took place last evening when a number of local youths(who in former times would have been made to wear 'devil's hats' and stand in the 'bold' corner arrived up-clearly intoxicated waving their fists at the gates of hilton and shouting 'flatlake is only for shitehawks!' and 'we hope it pishes on august 14!' before riding off on their bicycles and acting like this was the most amusing thing ever.All I can say is-it's saddening in this day and age.Noven and prayers to St John Bosco offered.More 'troublemaking' news coming soon.
NEWSFLASH!JUST CONFIRMED FOR FLATLAKE-J.ASHTON MERRIWEATHER AUTHOR OF 'IN ANTIGUA WITH AN IGUANA',WITH MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT BY THE GRAF SPEE STRING QUARTET.FURTHER UPDATES SOON-WHAT A COUP!
Ah hello there-isn't Flatlake a holy terror this year?Some people were saying it wasn't going to happen at all because of the robber bankers and the coming bad weather-by all accounts it's going to pish for ten years-but as you can see,this is not the case at all and some of the highlights already planned include Tony Orlando out of Dawn('Knock Three Times' and 'Candida')and Nobby Siles out of Man U. and England(1966 world cup squad).But before I give you details about that I just want to congratulate Tom Phibbs who is the winner of the Radio Butty TV Script award this year for his pilot detective series Inspector Nudie Mc Funk's Casebook,in which the redoubtable sleuth tours Ireland giving wayward gypsy children clips on the ear,finding drug addicts in the making and dragging them off to backstreet gyms to build up their characters before arriving home to Babs,his wife(from Roscommon)and settling down to a nice cup of tea and some fig rolls.As he opens the latest mystery thriller by his favourite author Skids Mookey,and settles down to cogitate-just as the credits roll over some stupendous aerial shots of this lovely little country of ours and in wriggly writing over its gasp-inducing majesty we are told what the name of this first episode is-Nudie at Home.See youse soon,Buttites!All the same though-Flatlake-isn't it a holy terror?There's a rumour going round that Mike Yarwood is on the bill but if that is true then I haven't been tld.But I'd prefer Freddie Starr-lock up your budgies-ha ha,what a laugh!
Butty,I have just been told that Jimi Hendrix died of drugs way back .... can we try Rock Hudson? I's say he'd be well up for it.
Yours..Mr Saucy.
HENRY COOPER AND JIMI HENDRIX CONFIRMED FOR NEXT YEAR'S FESTIVAL-ALSO 'the brothers' extravaganza.Not many pepole know that a considerable number of top pop stars have famous brothers-check out Tommy Cash for example.A brother of Johnny 'San Quentin' of course.But how many poeple know about Eamon Dylan-Zimmerman?Not many I'll bet.Also confirmed for the festival this year is Craig Cohen,Leonard's brother,and Tom Jagger.More news soon. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Whilst engaging in some 'pitching' to a visiting director during the course of the Clones Film festival last year,I neglected to proffer my card to the potential buyer-a friend of Harv's,as I understand-and am hereby taking the opportunity to make restitution for this oversight.So,if you're reading this,Troy Beamish of Goldbut Pixtures,do not hesitate to get in touch.Have your people call my people yeah?And here is my bizness kard.
The Captain
have pity on me i alkholk pls help pls but onlee cash u nice man pls send all u can to www.buttkick and a half over sixpence tank u
COMING SOON FROM THE PEN OF BUTTKINS AND PETER TRANT,STAR OF THE REVENANT:AN ADAPTATION OF GILES COOPER'S 1958 DRAMA ENTITLED UNMAN,WITTERING AND ZIGO-THIS TIME TO BE SET IN ST MUNCHEN'S DIOCESAN COLLEGE AND CALLED FONSEY,CHUCKLES AND RUXTON.
TICKETS ON SALE SOON IN CORDUFF,DONAGHMOYNE AND TURE.BOOK FAST!
PITH HELMET RUMINATIONS :The Yankee Clipper,Ardee
When I was in the sitting room there this morning what did I happen to come across,in of all places down in behind the chintz-covered armchair beside the fireguard with the roses on it only my trusty old pith helmet that I was accustomed to wearing during my travels in Africa,many years back.Straight away I found myself consumed by memories and athough I was actually only in a somehwat nondescript townhouse parlour,I might have been back there on that first fateful night when ghostly hyenas were to be apprehended prowling around the compound-from where I sat reading my copy of Ireland's Own I could hear their unearthly howls and feel a quiver of exhilarated fear.When the rains finally fell on that dessicated landscape,I recall,I was immensely relieved-it seemed to purge my very soul.For there was danger all around.Between their tribes the Bookie Malookies could be as fierce and ruthless as they were often gentle and loyal.That is not to say that I did not have a reasonable standard of life ahead of me-there was the tennis,steeplechasing and shooting to look forward to.Not to mention mounting camels and joining the other officers in the tug for pre-dinner drinks.But my experiences on the steamer which eventually docked at Mombasa had taken its toll('Take that you bounder!',I recalled Chief Petty Officer Nipkins snappping unworthily)and as if that wasn't bad enough within hours of our arrival the monsoon had struck.Then the following day there was the arduous climb through mango trees,cocoa palms and then on uphill through thorn scrub inhabited by lions,zebras and antelopes.Two of my company were actually wholly consumed on out journey-by boa constrictors.Was it any wonder then,I asked of myself as I stood there,hat in hand,in my front room,that I had remarked with a rueful sigh to my colleague,Mumbi Mookins,that in spite of all my travels through Port Said,the Seychelles and the manifold wonders which were evident all around us,including banana forests,big-game hunts and myriad antelopes,I would just as soon be in The Yankee Clipper,Ardee.'
THE FLATLAKE ESSAY:THE NEW CINEMA AND ‘LES PICTURES AVEC ECRIVAIN’-JEAN CLAUDE MAURNIER INTERVIEWED BY HUGH ‘THE BUCK’ DODDS,MODERATED BY WILLIE DILLON OF TURE.
Q AND A AFTERWARDS,followed by ‘The Butty Lecture’,the transcript(see below)of which will be available to audience,sponsored by Cue’s Shoes,Tydavnet.
(jakers you can just imagine my embarrassment this morning when i was talking to this fellow who is here for the hoof gurk summer school,after me talking away about the goals he scored in the 1966 world cup final when it turned out that it wasn't geoff hurst your man was talking about at all only damian.I felt such a lug!Because the only Damian I know is the priest who cured all the lepers in Africa magazine long ago.I fear I may have let the town down a bagful.)
And now,continued:THE FLATLAKE ESSAY-A FESTSCHRIFT FOR BUTTY subtitled:'Some Thoughts On the Essays Of Yesteryear-Charles Lamb’s A Dissertation On Roast Pig,The Memoirs Of A Supperannuated Man and ‘The Evanescence Of Twigs’,by Neville Revelstoke.'
P.W. Butty on The Cinema Of the Talking Ass. (With thanks to DR P.Schwarzkopf,professor of gums,humanities and Teepee Studies,Indiana University,Zip Code 1z4 tt1)
THE TALKING DONKEY
You hear a lot these days about quadrupeds gabbing-Francis the mule being one of the most notable of course,and not forgetting possibly the most famous of them all-Mr Ed.There are many others whose names I cannot just at this minute put my finger on but there can be no doubt that in terms of world reputation and general acknowledgement of their importance,there is little cause for concern.Which is a good thing,and admirable.Would I could say the same,however,for that infinitely humbler but no less worthy creature-the average ass who never opens his mouth.It was to him I was giving some thought only there this morning when I was sitting on the stile taking some ‘time out’,as they say these days,and relaxing with a calming few puffs on my pipe.My own Neddy the donkey who used to belong to ‘red’ Ginty Flood had been regarding me for some time without me passing,I have to say,a great deal of remarks,when my thoughts turned more or less to the above and I found myself thinking:’How must he feel when he considers such subjects and his general place in world affairs?’ Being aware,as I am sure he must be,that there are those who are of the opinion that the average donkey has no business being found in a place such as Ireland,being far more suited to climes one might find in Arabia and similar places.
‘Is it any wonder,then’,I asked myself,’that all the world’s sorrows are reflected deep in the brown limpid pools of his eyes?’
However,being in no great position to do a lot about the condition of my beloved farm animal,I found myself considering the infinitely more fortunate position of his fellow,the aforementioned Francis The Talking Mule who not only did not find himself ridiculed at any point in his time on this earth,much less derided for his choice of geographical location,but who became a world-wide film star of note,a feat quite remarkable for such a lowly breed,as the general perception of asses would have it-however unjustifiably.It is a matter of great regret to me that,unlike Francis,my own donkey doesn’t talk,for I should have acquainted him with a firm and long-held opinion of mine,to wit that it was the presence of one of my favourite screen actors,Clint Eastwood,in that particular film Francis The Talking Mule,which assisted the eponymous star with the building of his illustrious career in Hollywood.To my knowledge,there have been numerous Francis talking mule films since that first one-all of which have been eagerly devoured by a ravenous public.A long way,I thought,from the fields of Ginty Flood,or for that matter poor old P.W. ‘Captain’ Butty.But no matter,I thought,as I puffed on my briar,and gave myself to ruminations of the celebrated essayists that I studied at school,among them Charles Lamb and Sir Walter Raleigh,whose lyrically woven sentences and finely honed thoughts have delighted scholars down the ages.It was almost quite by accident that I subsequently apprehended myself stooped over a sloped oaken desk,with quill in hand,inscribing in copperplate the words ‘Privations Of History:Clint Eastwood and the Common or Garden Ass.’ Perhaps not unexpectedly,a small lump formed in my throat as I regarded for some moments my sad-eyed companion,mindful as I was that he would have been in no position to extend gratitude or even be aware of the former Rawhide star’s affections for his kind-or his Herculean efforts on their behalf both in the commercial and artistic sectors.Indeed tears came to my eyes as I thought of his words to the marauding Mexicalis,in what was the very first performance of his which I was saw-was privileged to see.Barely suppressing a chuckle,I considered their paella-stained visages and their consummately pliable extensions of facial hair as-one last time-the leading man informed them:
-You insulted my mule.Now he’s gone and got this crazy idea that you’re laughing at him.So if you’ll kindly apologise..’
In the shadows of their sombreros,the malcontents sadly gave no such indication.In fact,began to chortle in the most confrontational manner.
-Was it any wonder,Ned,that Clint was forced to push back his blanket?
The blanket,that is,that concealed his pistol.The patterned cape-cum-blanket that served him so well during his various trials throughout the Sergio Leone-directed trilogy.
I could almost hear him reply as I sat there,so giddily was he grinding his teeth,with myself responding:
-Do you know what Neddy you’re a hundred per cent right!,
with my shoulders heaving as his words resounded:
-Ee-aw!Clint-he ees bes’ frien’ Mexicalis,I don’ think so!
As the two of us sat there,nearly laughing for five minutes.O now boys but it was the best,I say,of crack,and all I can think of is-maybe it’s just as well that Neddy’s not fit to talk.Especially when you think of what came up next-Dirty Harry and Magnum Force,with the two of us shaking,I swear to God,as I lifted my pipe and made out it was a gun,poking it into the side of Ned’s extreme hirsute and elongated head,as doing my best good old Harry voice I said:
-So then Neddy!You feel lucky punk?,
With him hawing and heeing away there to beat the band.Probably-most likely-because he knows bloody well that there never was any asses at all in that trilogy,talking or otherwise.I can’t imagine it ever would have worked-quite apart from the fact that beasts of burden don’t wear guns-they’d just look stupid on the streets of New York,wandering about investigating crime and ‘corruption in the force.’ As Neddy says it’s ridiculous anyway:
-How many bullets do you think I have left?Four or maybe five?Eh,punk?
An ass saying that.Even Francis,regardless of ability or world class fame,wouldn’t have been able to carry it off.But we had a great old laugh all the same,me and Ned,thinking about it.Until Mrs Nan Ginn of The Cross happened along and I had to shove my pipe in my pocket,pretending it wasn’t a Magnum at all.Maybe it’s just as well he can’t speak-for from the way he was looking at me,I could tell that Ned would gladly,at any moment,have ‘blown my cover.’
I’ll be back here tomorrow-discussing
Latest!Just confirmed for Butty 'mini film-festival'-FRANCIS THE TALKING MULE STARRING CLINT 'DIRTY HARRY' EASTWOOD!How many stars?*****************-at least.
astounding butty film festival announcement!
EAT YOUR HEART OUT,CLONES FILM FESTIVAL ORGANISERS!FOR CAPTAIN BUTTY HEREBY ANNOUNCES HIS OWN PRIVATE IRISH FILM FESTIVAL-SHOWING AUG 23 AND 24 BESIDE THE BUTTY RADIO STATION ON A NINETEEN INCH TELLY-'PADDY' STARRING DES CAVE, 'THE GIRL WITH THE GREEN EYES' BY EDNA O BRIEN STARRING PETER 'NETWORK' FINCH AND 'QUACKSER FORTUNE HAS A COUSIN IN THE BRONX' STARRING GENE 'BLAZING SADDLES' WILDER-HA HA!WHAT A COUP FOR BUTTCAKES-BUT HOW EMBARRASSING FOR SUNDANCE,CLONES AND ALL THE OTHER SO-CALLED 'TRAILBLAZING' FESTS!
Stop press!After his behaviour at the Hoof Gurk summer school last evening,Nudie Mooney is hereby officially banned from The Flatlake festival.I am sorry but if Nudie's idea of 'fun' is to shout out 'Many's the rime I pissed on that very same garage door' during visiting Prof.Nat Hastings(Vermont)lecture on 'Signicant places in the work of Hoof Gurk' then I am sorry to be the one to enlighten him that there were many present in the hall last evening who did not share his opinion.Neither,I have to say,did we think much of the simile which he employed in his heretofore Flatlake prizewinning poem 'Memories Of Gurk'-'his eyes were like goosegogs'-which has now been officially withdrawn from competition.All we can hope is that all of this has not spoiled the summer school for our many visitors from Dublin and overseas.But it is a bitter shock for many of our organisers that Nudie chose to behave in this way-we all like a drink-but rolling around floors,howling 'Writing poems about turnips-oh Hook but you're some laugh all the same' while clutching one's sides and waving half-empty whiskey naggins-it's beneath contempt at this stage of the school.Fortunately however,Prof Nat.(Vermont)is not too badly shaken and will be concluding his 'Significant places' lecture tomorrow evening witha slide show on teh wooden stile where there great poet was said to have penned the stunning sonnet 'The Gates Of Ginty Grue.'
I don't know whether Butty fans are big-time mart auction types or not but I will tell you this-The Captain is and he for sure will be going along to the fabbo auction of the ruby red POETIC CHARIOT that is THE ULSTER HERALD which is going to be auctioned at Flatlake-with all of the Ulster poets signatures on there as they say in England!What a priceless object d'art.A GENUINE SIXTIES TRIUMPH HERALD ALL SIGNED BY ULSTER'S OWN GENIUSES.I am seriously thinking of buying it myself.If Queen's University professors happen to be reading this if I were them I would get out my cheque book.If I win it I'm going to call it HORACE,instead of HERBIE.Witty,eh?Check it out on the other page-FABBO ULSTER HERALD!
HOOF GURK'S BROTHER AND LITERARY EXECUTOR,TIP,WITH VISITOR LITTLE JOHN KNEE,PICTURED AT THE HOOF GURK SUMMER SCHOOL LAST EVENING,AFTER THE 'DISTURBANCE.' 'ANGRY SCENES AT GURK SUMMER SCHOOL'
A near-riot was seen to develop in Turps Connor's haggard last evening in Scotshouse when,some moments after the conclusion of Dr T.P. Fargs' fascinating examination of the work of Hoof,a chair smashed against the wall perilous close to the distinguished scholar's ear and an intemperate voice bellowed from the back of the hall:'You're a liar,Fargs!Hoof never wore anything but a short white dentist's-type coat when he was writing.get to hell out of Scotshouse,you mountebank!'
It is to be regretted that the matter did not end here and we can only hope that all trace of this unseemly incident will be forgotten.Already a visiting american professor has vowed that he will never again return to the Hoof Gurk summer school.'When I came here I did so somewehat secure in the knowledge that I and my person might be safe and looked-after.What I most certainly did not expect was to be confronted by the sight of a near-madman wighing over 400 pounds with a cylinder of gas suspended over his head,threatening to reduce my so-called 'Yankee' brains to a mushy mass.' All I can say is if The Flatlake Festival intended this travesty to be a 'beacon' on the hill to the memory of such a great poet,then they have failed,and abjectly so.Messrs Mc Cabe and Allen have a lot to learn,and I will be acquainting all of my colleagues to this effect.What use is a summer school if visiting professors can only go there 'tooled up to tehneck',to employ a Sly Stallone-tyle expression.Bitterly,bitterly disappointing I have to say.And Hoof did often wear a v-neck pullover.Certainly when composing
'The Old Wooden Gate'.For I have a photograph to prove it.
NO NEED TO IMAGINE ANYTHING AS THE WORLD OF HOOF GURK COMES ALIVE AT HILTON!
Sadness and delight alternated last evening in the somnolent grounds of Hilton Park as the establishment of a summer school dedicated to the memory of local writer Hoof Gurk was announced by local whiz-kid arts supremo John Dodds Mc Cooey,who had tears in his eyes as he read from a prepared script:'There was no-one in Scotshouse or the world who knew more about haikus than Hoof.And he could strip a Massey in five minutes flat.The roads of Cornginty will be lonely for me from now on.Only for the pleasure derive from Hoof's work I would just as quick tip over to that haggard and down myself a bottle of Gramoxone.'
As we proceeded in the gloaming towards the lower meadow where Hoof had toiled on many summer's evenings,there were many I noticed blinking back tears.As I was myself,on the night that he borrowed 75 euros on the stenrgth of 'penning' a specially composed poem-dedicated to me and my beautiful wife and children.'It will knock The Illiad into a cocked hat',I remember were his actual words on that evening as we sat puffing dags on the porch outside the pub-Connolly's bar,which was our hostelry of choice.'My uncle Bootsy used to come at weekends',I remember him tellinge me,'He aws an awfulman but he had a big heart.He once hit me over the head with a Kosangas cylinder.'
Red hens blocked our path on our way to the lower mat,and beside them a [ig decked out in a waistcoat of blue.'Hoof would have loved this',I heard a lady from Dublin beside me say.
Quietest of all was 'The Donkey' Phelim Mc Cue.
'He had a special relationship with him',I overheard a female poet say.So choked was The Donkey as we came to the field thathe caught his corduroys on the gate.
'He wrote 'The Sweetest Eyes in Barna By The Gap' for him,teh woman whispered as Donkey stared emptily-as if his heart inside his chest had broken.Which maybe it had.The old man was muted:'Many's the time as a young lad I used to watch him eat a live turkey.He was always destined for a remarklable life.His mother was Crew for Corky-By-the Road.'
the woman handed him a tissue as Father Spud dsicreetly joined the company.
'He knew the Latin inside out.If he'd had a child he was going to call him Horace.'
But there would be no Horaces now,mused teh clergyman wistfully,'Not even the one we used to read in The Sparky.'
'Hungry',I supplied,my heavny hand upon his shoulder,'That was Hungry.'
'One thing for sure,'my colleague in mourning replied,'This district will never complain of that condition-not where food of the soul is concerned.Not where the art of Hoof Gurk still resides.'
'I have childhood memories of Hoof' we heard a plaintive call resound.
'We haven't time' I informed Mattie Bunyan,'We have to press on to the lower corner of teh meadow.'
'Ah away to fuck think you own him just like the festival you and that humpy Welsh hoor up at Hilton.'
It was tempting but I demurred.What would Hoof have done?,I reflected.As our little party continued on our way.
MORE HOOF GURK SUMMER SCHOOL REPORTS TOMORROW.
from now on.PnlyGREETINGS FROM BUNDORAN!Which is the only town in Ireland capable of rivalling Flatlake as far as shells,cockles,windmills and donkeys are concerned.Not tomention KISS ME QUICK HATS.Intrigued?I'll bet you are.More 'seaside' news coming soon.Rome is a city in Italy.
I cannot believe it-but it has been brought to my attention the fact that I have been 'hacked'.Yes-some cur dog-and believe you me you do not have to be either Mulder or Scully of TV fame or the Dark Knight either to know who it was-has taken the liberty of scribbling non-Captain rubbish on my private screen.I'll tell you this-if it happens again Buckrake Poulson and 'JCB Paws' Galligan will be in the vicinity of a certain big country house and by the time they are finished with it it will be a lot further 'out the country' than it might prefer.You have been warned,ill-mannered hacker-types!On a lighter note-what do youse think about myu new job?Yes-I'm in the 'buns' game now.(See below.)I think it's fab!
Dear Butty ... sorry to have to hack into your old blogging den like this (Boris Thrib's grandson showed me how to do it) but I've just recieved yet another correspondence referring to our little arts jamboree as 'flatlakes' ....and I'm not going to hide the fact that it's beginning to hack me right off. Just because a handfull of your boho chums are too bone idle to separate the 'Flat' from the 'Lake', means diiddly squat on my front lawn. If your arty pals want to go around saying 'flatlakes' in that demented Cavan drawl, they are of course at their liberty. However, for the purposes of officialdom, we will remain confidently and steadfastly 'THE FLAT LAKE LITERARY & ARTS FESTIVAL' thank you very much. This is the kind of thing that has led to a disenfranchised youth in the locale... a corrupted generation of mumblers that can't be bothered to string a few simple words together anymore - always looking for the convenience of just about everything. The easy way out. I don't know what it's coming to, but I'm damned sure Lidl has something to do with it. Yours.... Buffy.
PS - can I borrow that DVD of the German couple again? The one I have is buggered. I tried to copy it, but the bit where the little beardy man smears the sherry trifle seems to be stuck on pause.
MULDER & SCULLY FOR FESTIVAL!...............yes,Mulder and Scully the highly popular parapsychic investigators have been booked for a science fiction festival in Roswell,organised by two young fellows name Deke Hoprovitz and Brad Spud.Promises to be a great weekend for everyone who is interested-if it does't rain.
SHOCKING SCENES REPORTED AT HILTON!FIRST REPORTS FROM HILTON PARK WOULD SEEM TO INDICATE THAT THE MUCH TALKED ABOUT FRACAS OUTSIDE THE FAMOUS COUNTRY HOUSE LAST EVENING INVOLVED A DISPUTE OF SOME KIND BETWEEN A NUMBER OF X-TRACTOR CONTESTANTS AND A LOCAL WRITER OVER A-IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE IN THIS DAY AND AGE-A NUMBER OF BOTTLES OF MC ARDLE'S ALE WHICH THE WRITER CLAIMED HAD GONE MISSING ON HIM LAST YEAR AT THE FLATLAKE.IN SPITE OF NO AVAILABLE EVIDENCE,TOM P.Crib(He says THE P. IS 'AFTER' PROUST)CONTINUED TO INSIST THAT THE X-TRACTOR SINGERS AND ALL ROUND NICE GUYS HAD COOOLY GONE TO HIS SECRET STASH AND IN THE MOONLIGHT BRAZENLY QUAFFED THE LOT.THIS WAS WHY HE PUNCHED MADGE MC GEENEY IN THE FACE AND THREATENED TO BURN DOWN HILTON AND THEBARN.IT IS DEEPLY REGERETATBLE THAT TGIS INCIDENT EVER HAPPENED AT ALL AND WE CAN JUST HOPE THAT THE PAPERS DON'T GET HOLD OF IT.OR 'AFTER PROUST' WILL BE NOTHING TO WHAT WILL BE COMING AFTER TOM CRIB.i.FOR ONE,THAT IS CAPTAIN BUTTY,WILL HAPPILY PERFORATE THE ROGUE WITH A GRAIP.STOP IT NOW TOM-LET'S GET ON.TOM WILL BE READING FROM MARCEL'S BOOKS IN THE SHED BEHIND THE PLACE WHERE HE KEEPS HIS STASH.AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING-LEAVE THE POOR MAN'S STASH ALONE-IF YOUSE DID TAKE IT,X TRACTOR CONTESTANTS!
NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST AT FLATLAKE NOW A CERTAINTY-SEEN IN A DREAM BY LOCAL MAN.'I am devastated' says Muttsy Gann,friend of the festival.He was especially looking forward to the X-Tractor competition.'And now,tragically,it has all come to nothing.And the worst part of all was my friend's head melting-in the dream of course.It did not help things that he was singing Joe Cuddy's 'Any Dream Will Do' at the time.Any dream most emphatically will not do,especially when it involves the heartless demolition of all Kevin Allen and Packo's hard work.Truly unforgivable.How could God or whoever's in charge be so insensitive.Then there was Gimpy Mc Goo-blasted into a shadow on the back of a Massey trailer.Damn you,elements!And thoughtless world-domination types with no verifiable mandate from anyone that I know.Clear off from about Scotshouse!
WARNING FROM LOCAL MAN-'I don't want to alarm you but there is not a hope in hell of the Flatlake Festival making it to the other side of August without a situation developing that will see the so-called 'Butty Barn' igniting because of the hay into a conflagration which will not have been in the north Monagan area since The Towering Inferno showed at the old Magnet Cinema there out on the North road leading to St Macartan's,and which starred the now-deceased Steve Mc Queen and Paul Newman.The film,that is,not the boys'college.'The flames,from what I'm told will reach up to twenty or thirty feet high and anyone unfortunate enough to be caught in it will resemble pork crackling in a matter of minutes.' I just thought I should warn you,he added somewhat ruefully-o and another thing,most people making their way there will probably crash.Good luck now,he said,as I waved him goodbye.I'll have to run up to Kevin and see if it's wise to have this festival at all.Unless of course we are saved by the Noah-type floods which have also been predicted,The only thing I'd be afraid of is spontaneous combustion.Apparently a fellow burst into flames in Wicklow.No wonder it was called the Electric Picnic.
NORTHERN TROUBLEMAKER ALERT!
One of the most recent concerns that has come to light,a fellow I met up the town was telling(there has been a lot of chit chat in the bars he says)has been the prevalence on the website of 'northerners' as he calls them-especially 'brainy-looking types.' What he's concerned about most,or so he says,is not that they might be putting local people in their poems but that they'd be coming around the place starting arguments for no reason,and not just about 'the wee six' and 'dialectical materialism.' I have assured him,however,that this won't happen-so I sincerely hope it doesn't.So come on,nordie poets,mix in there and don't say 'This is stewpat!' or 'Thass nat a bawr!' It upsets my correspondent.
TEN TONS OF RAIN THE LATEST FORECAST.PLUS A CONFLAGRATION IN THE BARN.NO NEWS YET ON THE MASSIVE TENT COLLAPSE OR PEOPLE HURLED FOR NO REASON INTO THE LAKE.UPDATES,HOWEVER,COMING SOON.
I was coming up the town there when I met a fellow-he owns a black bike you often see parked near the red gate that used to me owned by The Gimpy Shaw that had the sports shop before it fell down-who told me he had been looking at the website which-the forthcoming Flatlake deluge notwithstanding-felt 'wasn't bad' but that there was one item with which he took issue.And that was the big cheeky bastard with the tache who was doing 'all the pointing.' It just gets my goat up,he said-and I could tell by his irksomeness and general body language that it was the general all round imperalist big head of the man that was annoying him.For my money he lookd not unlike Jimmy Edwards.Does anyone out there remember 'Whacko!' It used to be in The Beezer,I think-and also on the telly.More British Imperialist-Whacko snippets coming soon.And it sure is some moustache!It puts me in mind of a gondola so it does.
Mrs Joe Orton of London has written to say how much she enjoyed last year's festival but that unfortunately she will not be able to attent his year as she is adjudicating a knitting competition in Duleek,where her cousin Agnes lives.It's a pity,because Mrs Joe is,by her own admission,a big 'beat' fan-especially the music of The Orange Machine,whose big hit of the sixties 'Three Jolly Little Dwarfs(Running Around The Meadow) had her 'delirious' in her young days,when she used to dance to 'all the pops.'
What do you think,fans?Has fabbo sculptor Jonathan Leahy created a mighty Winston Churchill versus Eamon De Valera Blade Runner-style confrontation or a 'peace in our time' scenario?Whichever,The Captain reckons Harrison Electrick Sheep Ford is in there somewhere,hoking about for 'replicants.'
(Sorry for this other photograph beside John 'Two Names' Barry-it isn't supposed,like common sense,to be there.)
Look at this fellow-isn't he quare btrainly-looking man?He is so braint he even has two names.One is JOHN MAHER and the other is JACK BARRY.Come and see the two of them at the fabbo FLATLAKES FESTIVAL!
RADIO BUTTY is really looking forward to seeing the terrific CIARAN CARSON and his wife DEIRDRE who will be playing some tunes on the fidddle along with the poet,who will be reading from LAST NIGHT'S FUN,the seminal work on Irish traditional music.Ciaran and Deirdre are special visitors to Flatlake as they would have been here for some of the sixties Fleadh Cheoil Woodstock-style extravaganzas along with PAUL BRADY,another of that fabbo generation who produced so much great art.
Recent reports indicate that the early optimism which was evident in the town and hinterland of Clones regarding the future of The Flatlake Festival has now been seen to come to nothing as meterological experts who visited the area under the 'Border Pish Investigation Grant-Aided Scheme Subescetion 61 and a half over five protestants and a Catcholic' have established beyond doubt that not only is it going to a 'bags' and a 'complete waste of time' but is going to be the equivalent of Mount Ararat after the big pishy flood of ancient biblical times.Comments include 'o it might amuse someone to hear a dadaist poem read by a hippy in what was little more than an Oxfam sou' wester but I have moreto do withmy time-such as watch Murder She Wrote and fairy City-especially now that there's nudie bitsin it-or nearly nudie bits anyway.' I would advise anyone who is thinking of going to this festival to stay home instead and watch 10000000000hours of fab Sky Tv.'
FLATLAKE TO BE PISHED OUT OF IT!
I wonder what Miki and Griff are going to think when they arrive in Scotshouse and discover that the so-called '500 acres of magnificent woodland' is little more than a pile of gooey muck in which they are expected to launch their new 'gone heavy' album which is a re-recording of the Welsh band Budge's 'Nude Disintegrating Parachute Woman.' It really is,after all the work that has gone into it,a deeply depressing experience.By all accounts their stage show-Miki has bought new sunglasses-is 'unprecedented'-even in these 'pop-oriented' times.So if you happen to be deluged by mud or find yourself up to your neck in pish,the Flatlake organisers implore you-please make allowances.Thank you-your friend,The Captain.
PREDICTION TABLE SO FAR:HOW MANY TONS OF RAIN DO YOU THINK WILL FALL ON HILTON THIS YEAR AND SEND ALL THEM EEJITS HOME IN DISGRACE?
THE TALLY SO FAR:1,000,OOO78 TONS OF PISH.
'PISHED OUT OF IT' UPDATES ON THE HOUR.IF URGENT CALL THE BUTTY MET.OFFICE AT 1800 20 HALF OVER SEVEN DOT COM.SEE YOU SOON!LOOK OUT!UMBRELLAS!
Note on 'The Secret Origins Of The Flatlake Festival or 'Flatlakes' as those in the knowhave now taken to calling it.Where did all this start,people say to me and it is a question which I have given some time to pondering.Essentially,as The Mighty Thor and Steve Murdock,aka Daredevil,were the brainchild of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby of Marvel Comics Inc.,The Flatlakes was inaugurated almost exclusively by Kevin Allen from singapore and Wales and the only real input that The Captain had into it was to suggest that in character it might diosplay something of The Flak Hole ethos.'Eh?' do I hear you say 'Flak Hole-what's that?
Well essentially its about 20,000 people ateing burgers and drinking lager out of paper cups watching a man playing spoons beside a tractor and remarking as he does so 'isn't this a grand Flak Hole all the same?'
Another aspect of Flak Holes is stewards and matronly ladies disporting themselves witgh authority in badges and white coats.They are already on the way.So there you have it-'The Secret Origin Of Flatlakes'.What aould be really good at a Flak Hole would be The Human Torch serving burgers at his own private stand on the corner.But I don't know if we could get him-he's in Sao Paulo at the moment hunting down some bastard made of elastic.
SOME COMMENTS NOW IN HOT OFF THE PRESSES REGARDING THE 2008 'FLATLAKES'.
' i THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD ALL RIGHT BUT NOT AS GOOD AS LAST YEAR.'
'Where was Eamon The Ewe?For me he was the highlight of last year's Flatlakes.All in all now it was a pity.I think Kevin slipped up there.Sheep were a big hit at the first festival but then that's what always happens when a festival gets big and Flatlakes is no different.O and it was a pity about teh rain.Me and my wife got pished on.But I'd still say I'd come again.No-yes.I would.It was a good day out for me and the family.But if there could be more 'dada'-type experimentation under trees with buckets on heads I would think it more worthwhile.Or even Val Doonican smoking a pipe.Or was that Sir Anthony Wedgwood Benn?Was he there?I didn't see him.Another good one would be a film star milking cows in a byre.Say like Jon Voight's daughter what do you call her?And the cow going 'moo!' I think it would be gas.Well done Flatlakes!'
'For me it was a bags.No way as good as last year.Security men wearing milking coats is not funny.Its just stupidI'm not coming next year.Thumbs down.'
'Nearly as good as last year.But I wouldn't say it was a bags.O no.'
Mrs Joe Orton of Islington,London.'
What a tsunami!Jesus o gawney!I was drenched!
Tom Nabs.
What have they done with all the money?I heard there was talk of a mysterious extension up at Hilton.
Pudsy Gaw,'The Detective.'
I would say:what's the use of pretending you're at the seaside when you're palpably not.Although I have to say when the deluge came me and my wife were prepared to suspend disbelief.I wonder did they arrange the tsunami specially?If they did it was a might old 'scam.' Well done,lads.Roll on Flatlakes 3.Its really good fun we think in our house.'
The Mc Tucks.
Note from The Captain
Whoever it is that's putting in things about tsunamis and saying its going to pish at the festival would you ever please stop it.This type of attitude is not helping anyone.All it is doing is creating bad feeling.And spoiling it unnecessarily for everyone else.If it stops now we will forget it.But if it persists-then I'll come around and shoot you in the face.I'm not kidding.The Captian means business on this one.Flatlake is about fun-not telling childish lies.So come on Flatlakers-let's have fun.Roll on the seaside on Aug 23!With a big sun shining and yes o yes with its hat on too!
TSUNAMI AT FLATLAKE NOW INEVITABLE!I HAVE IT ON RELIABLE AUTHORITY THAT ALL TENTS PERFORMERS AND INNOCENT BROSWERS ARE GOING TO BE DELUGED BY TONS OF REMORSELESS RELENTLESS RAIN WHICH MAY EVEN BE SUCCEEDED BY A HUGE FIRE IN THE BUTTY BARN.I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!IS THERE NO MERCY?WHY THIS ALMOST MEDIEVAL CRUELTY OF THE ELEMENTS?ALREADY IT HAS TAKEN ITS TOLL.VAL DOONICAN HAS CALLED AND SAID HE IS NOT COMING.AND HERE-BE STILL MY SOBBING HEART-ARE THE WORDS OF PUMPY MC TURK,WHO HAD 'SWORN' HE WOULD READ HIS DADA-ESQUE SEQUENCE 'MARSHMALLOW MASSEY' BUT NOW HAS COLD-HEARTEDLY DISDAINED ALL INVOLVEMENT.NOW WE KNOW HOW HEMMINGWAY FELT AND ALL THOSE OTHERE ONES THAT SHOTTED THEIRSELVES AFTER BEING 'PUT MENTAL' BY ART.I'M GOING TO GO TO BINGO TONIGHT,OR 'PONGO' AS IT USED TO BE CALLED.BYE.
!!!!! FLATLAKE FESTIVAL DISASTER PREDICTED BY NO LESS THAN THREE PEOPLE 'UP THE TOWN!'
NOT LOOKING GOOD ON THE WEATHER FRONT!FLATLAKE DOOMED TO FAILURE.
It is terrible to have to write this but wasn't i only up the town there this morning and who did I meet only a total of three people who assured me that without a doubt,beyond all shadow of the same,that the 'wasn't it great last year?' Flatlake Festival is now condemned to ignominious failure due to the likelihood of inclement weather.The tears are splashing down onto the page as I pen these words.Especially when I think of all the hard work Kevin Alen and his elves have put into it so far.By all accounts,thewoman in the rainhood('you can't be too careful,she told me)August statistically is the worst month of the year for rainfall.Would it not be better to have had it in february she wondered when 'Bosco' is not on the television,distracting all the kiddies.Still,I suppose you have to soldier on,she said gamely,and that is precisely what we intend to do.Even though the two other chaps that I met were convinced I was a 'madman.' Woudl it not be better,they suggested,to have it on top of the 'wee round tower' in the old abbey graveyard?At least that way,the offered,it would be 'in the town.'
It was a good idea,I tild them,but then there would be no place for Val donican to land his helicopter.O by the way there's a good beatnik poem I read the other day-'gates,especailly five bar ones.'
That will look good on the Exploding pLASTIC iNEVITABLE tURNIP brochure when it eventually comes out.
That's what they're calling the festival in the papers-The Exploding Plastic Inevitable Turnip.
Its a good one.But I prefer The Unlikely Onions Over By The Gap,as sung for your pleasure by Eamon The Ewe.
More Butty Festival News On The Way-latest festival acquisition-The Lee Harvey Oswald Junior Tin Whistle Band.Who will be showcasing their summer hit 'Poor jack Ruby',now a hit on Scorched Thistle Records.
VAL DOONICAN NEWS
Bad tidings,I'm afraid,on the Val Doonican front.I have just been on to his manager who has told me that Val will be playing draughts this coming August 23 and 24 and consequently will not be available to sing either 'Walk Tall' or 'The Mysterious Box' for all you Flatlaker fans who might have been looking forward to such an event.But there is no call for despair for just this second I have received a call from Miki out of Miki and Griff(eager popsters may remember their top ten hit 'Two Little Orphans' from,I think,1958 or 1959,who has kindly agreed to take his place,The only drawback might be that they have informed me that in more recent times they have,in their own phrase 'gone heavy' and will not be doing any of their old numbers.Instead fans will be treated to their versions of AC DC and Grand Funk Railroad-style tunes.As a mark of their affec tions for The Flatlake festival they have agreed to record a special version of 'Charity Bubbles' which will be pressed and in your shops soon on a special minted blue suede disc.So that's good!Roll on Flatlake and the fabulous heavy metallers of the 1950's reinvented.Another possibility is Ronnie Hilton performing his version of 'Jessica' by The Allman Brothers.Except that he's dead.
CHRIS MORRIS-ON-SEA
HI THERE!THIS IS JUST A SHORT NOTE FROM THE REDOUBTABLE CAPTAIN BUTTY TO ACQUAINT FLATLAKERS OF THE INTELLIGNECE THAT THIS YEAR'S FESTIVAL WILL BE HELD AT THE SEASIDE.BUT HOLD!NO THERE IS NO NEED TO START WORRYING ABOUT WHERE WILL WE GET SAND AND ALL THAT-FOR KEVIN AND I ARE OFF THIS VERY MINUTE.YES,TO GET SOME SEA!WHICH WE HOPE TO HAVE BACK AT HILTON BY TOMORROW.SO REMEMBER FLATLAKERS-THIS YEAR'S THEME IS SEA AND BEATNIKS,YES GET OUT YOUR CHELSEA BOOTS AND SOME SPADES FOR IT'S ALL GO AT HILTON THIS YEAR.AS THE OLD SONG GOES:I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE.ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S NONE THERE!ISN'T IT A GOOD ONE?
GET YOUR FLATLAKE ROCK AT THE SHOP-O YES AND LUCKY BAGS FOR BOYS AND GIRLS.
PROCEEDS GO TO CAPTAIN 'EMBZZLER' BUTTY AND KEVIN.AND SOME TO 'THE WEATHERMAN' SO HECAN SEE WHAT HE CAN DO.O I DON'T KNOW NOW WOULD I BE GOING THERE NOW I'D ONLY BE ARAID IT MIGHT START TO RAIN.PSAHW AND TOSH!GET OUT THE RAIN GEAR AND GET DOWN TO THE SEASIDE.ITS ONLY TWO MILES FROM CLONES THIS YEAR.DON'T ASK ME HOW BUT WE DID IT AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.LATEST ADDITION TO THE FESTIVAL-JONATHAN SWIFT.NO BUT IT'S ONLY SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST AS GOOD.THE ONE AND ONLY CHRIS MORRIS ,SATIRIST AND MAN OF LETTERS.I'LL TELL YOU THIS-I'M STAYING OUT OF HIS WAY FOR HE'D ONLY LOOK MAKE YOU LOOK STUPID ON THE TELLY.AT LEAST ON THE WIRELESS YOU'ER ALWAYS YOURSELF.GOOD MAN CHRIS MORRIS-LATEST ADDITION TO THE FABULOUS 'FLATLAKE-ON-SEA' EXTRAVAGANZA,MONAGHAN.
CLINT EASTWOOD There is nothing secured as yet but on foot of protracted negotiations-The Captain first met 'Punk' Eastwood at the Sligo Yeats Society diner where he was giving a talk on WB(See verses quoted in the film about boxing)and over a number of bottles of wine didn't it emerge(his mother was connected with the Lavelles of Mayo)that he had a lifelong interest in Gaelic Football.It was a long shot but The Captain asked him would he be interested in making a guest appearance at Flatlake to which he replied not only that but he would bring his young fellow Tom with him and would consider joining thr local GAA club Currin Sons Of st Patrick for a bit of a kickabout at hilton.Now its not 'firmed up' as they say in entertaiment legal circles but things our end are looking good.So,fingers crosssed,we'll have a few penalties under the floodlights come august with 'The Man With No Name.' Except that he has now-a name that is,and it is 'Scothouse Full Back Cowbiy If The Year.' Good man Clint.O and good man WB yeats as well.
THE BITTER GRIEVANCE OF MADGE BUTTY(Mrs)
I KNOW this sounds like a Brian Moore novel-but it isn't.Its The Captain's mother(or as he calls her 'Auld Hot Flush Face')complaining about his devotio to his mixing desk again.'If I catch you at that wireless one more time',she chides,'I'll kick your backside into your neck.'
O dear.Where is the ghost of Brian Moore wohen you need him.Coming soon-The Bockedy Arse Of Gimpy Mc Goo.
SEAMUS HEANEY FOR GOD'S SAKE!
There are times when I can scarcely believe it myself-but not only that,Edna O Brien as well.Jesus Mary and Joseph.Did youse all hear about the souvenir shop at Flatlake this year?You can get windmils and spades and all there.But you can;t get tickets for the poets and all there.Not that I care because Kevin gave me a ticket-I know hi you see.What a lineup.I mean the only way you could top that would be if you were to tip across to Zurich and dig up the author of Ulysses with your Flatlake spade.Which in these days of increased airport security wimply woldn't be feasible,and anyway he'd only fill The Butty Barn up with maggots.Solets forget that.Roll on The Flatlake and its cast of thousands!